From the desk of Daniel “Pinecone” Verona

The world received a shock when, two days ago, CA resident Burt Coleman (38) was taken into custody for attempting to maintain his own vehicle without approval from the California Air Resources Board (CARB) and other EPA-affiliated agencies.

Coleman reportedly decided to perform a home “engine rebuild” on his 1998 Buick LeSabre. CARB requires 6 to 8 weeks for processing the complex forms and permits required to take on such a project, all of which he failed to obtain prior. His motive remains unknown, and there is an ongoing investigation into why the man chose to risk human life, and the environment at large, for such a selfish and dangerous pursuit. His activities were reported to Richmond County PD by a neighbor, who stated that he appeared to be “disassembling a vehicle” in front of his home, and that “various pollutants” could be seen on his body and the surrounding surfaces.

Special Police forces were deployed from Richmond and San Francisco departments, and Coleman was taken into custody before any further threats emerged. A statement from Richmond county PD states that “untold damage to the planet at large” would have been caused, had Coleman’s project continued.

That night, he was brought before a judge in San Francisco, and found guilty by his peers on all charges listed below.

Operation of an obsolete vehicle (1 count)

Industrial work without permit (2 counts)

Obstruction of government agenda (5 counts)

Illegal vehicle modifications (8 counts)

Incorrect storage of pollutants ( 9 counts)

Environmental harm (16 counts)

He was additionally charged for 42 undisclosed HOA violations.

Coleman was sentenced to 280 years in federal prison and his hazardous project was promptly disposed of. We extend our thanks to the California governor’s office, the EPA, and CARB for keeping these dangerous individuals off our streets. MSIMA will provide any updates on this developing story.