So what? Your relationship consisting mainly of mutually-exclusive compromises stands between you the vehicle you desire?

Oh wait, it appears I spoke too soon. There he goes, on a determined quest to Hoffman Ford Sales in Harrisburg, PA. He’s pulling away in the leased Kia Sorento “family car” now, content within, and all too ready to spend forty seven thousand dollars on the new-car smell within his Ford Focus ute.

Godspeed, you rich misguided bastard.

Anyway, pickup trucks! Let’s talk about pickup trucks today. The scene I have built in your brain is no isolated event. Anyone in the know knows how overinflated the price has become for any machine with an identity that can be bent to “utility vehicle” The age of six-figure Dodge Rams is upon us, but fear not! I have scoured the used market for eons to aid you in your search.

2015 – 2022 Chevrolet Colorado Duramax

We are NOT going to talk about the Ford Maverick, in fact I think we have already covered all its notable features (besides it being a genuinely decent little thing that I would like to own second or thirdhand). If you want the Focus ute’s details, go ask any owner and they will happily read you the brochure.

Now, let’s talk CHEVY COLORADO DURAMAX. Until the 2.8L LWN diesel engine was killed off in 2022, it placed GM’s least notable truck as the standard to beat for small trucks. Personally, at least. Available in the ZR2 mini prerunner / mall crawler as well as the LT trim, it made for a well-packaged and utilitarian thing before the advent of GM’s latest styling debacles. With this recommendation I will make the assumption that some of you have money. First of all, I envy you, and secondly, you can pick one up for $15k-$40k depending on mileage.

Go have fun now.

1994 – 2009 Ford Ranger

YES I KNOW it’s a Mazda Ranger. I put the MAZDA because it looks BETTER.

Fight me.

Both flavors of this iconic little truck come from the same partnership that, somehow, gave us the Aston Martin V12. In this case, Mazda branded their trucks the B2500 through B4000, but all were just sub-levels of Ford’s all-encompassing Ranger. These American minis are trucks of great variety. 6 or 4 cylinders, auto or manual, RWD or 4×4, lifted, lowridin’, etc. As has been said of the Fox Body Mustang, these vehicles are barely dependent on their base identity, existing more as a platform that you build to suit your needs. As for pricing, these trucks are typically posted anywhere from $500 – $10k plus whatever work they need done. Go higher if you’re in the modern-consumer mood to scam yourself, I don’t care anymore. You’re a grown up now.

1980 – 1997 IDI or Powerstroke

I have fond words for plenty of old, utilitarian machines, but disregard them now.

THESE are the kings of all beater trucks.

Produced for many years through the dentside, OBS, and early Super Duty generations, old diesel Fords have earned their reputation tenfold. For the sake of recommendation, this entry covers the 7.3 Powerstroke and all IDI diesel trucks that came before. The OBS generation is particularly good looking, and has a large following to boot, but were not here for subframes, lifts, rock lights, or rollin’ on offset chrome 23s. Underneath every pavement princess with a missing front driveshaft is a truck with the potential to outwork and outlast nearly all others around it.

A 7.3 diesel, whether Powerstroke or IDI, is an engine you can cold start to redline every morning for a decade and still make work on time, if you take the most basic care of them. You won’t win races (stock) and hell, you may not even pass emissions. But combined with a stout, lockable 4×4 system and a basic old manual gearbox, these machines will get the job (of any scale) done if you ask.

Go on Copart, or just talk to that old fella down the street, and they will appear. If you spend more than $2,000 you are lying to yourself.

1960 – 1997 Malyshev Factory дизель-электрический двигатель ТЭ10

Hailing from Kharkiv, Ukraine, the TE10 locomotive is a solid option for people who genuinely need more hauling capability than modern dually pickups can provide. These models began production in 1960, with new variants being released into the late 90s. Power comes from a model 10D100 opposed-piston turbodiesel inline-10. Depending on your needs, these machines can be found as single units, as well as twin and triple sets. Horsepower ranges from 3,000 to 9,000 respectively. These engines have some known issues with catastrophic runaways due to turbo failure, but just refrain from idling for days on end.

Emissions? Well, that’s not quite as important as completing the job on time. Plus, good luck getting caught by the feds with a top speed in excess of 60 miles per hour. The continued use of these units is a testament to their build. And don’t say I failed to clue you in when the environmentalists take these things off the rails in the next 150 years (estimated). Depreciation goes hardest for high-dollar vehicles, so be ready when these TE10s hit the used market.

ANY Old Minivan

Behold the near UNMATCHED champion of work vehicles.

Not a salvage-title “$800 or best offer” Mercury Monterey in particular, but the segment it represents. The life of a minivan exists in military-like deployments, hear me out. Ever since the earliest Chrysler Caravans began seeping into the used market, the minivan has answered its second calling. Laid to rest after decades of child ferry service, these ubiquitous old cars will often be called upon to return to duty once more, to fight the battles of a working man’s freighter in a wholly new world. With the seats removed, a minivan is more akin to a FWD shipping container, and just as adaptable. Whether you prefer yours in Ford, GM, Mopar, JDM, KDM, or Eurotrash flavor, a van of this nature is likely to serve you well until its days are well over. Withdraw $3,000 at the bank, keep an ATV or assault rifle around as trades, and pick whichever suits your fancy.