The prior writer was hauled off to be lobotomized for that pun. You’re in our world now.

Welcome, mis-shifter and consumer of automotive content, yes you, coming back to your screen like a fly to shit. We own you now, disembodied voice of the viewer. By the balls and will not let go.

I didn’t consent to thi-

Shhhhh, it’ll be over soon. Anyways, a 1996 Honda Acty kei van. This little box is fun!

Anyways, y’all got the baby van!!

*sigh* yes we got to drive “the baby van”.

Omg dude it’s adorable!

Yes, it is pretty cute. So an-

Look at the little golf cart wheels!!

No it doesn’t use golf cart whee-

Does it have a widdle itty-bwitty bike engine?

No. It’s a 660cc i3 made for these cars. Now behave and shut up before you’re forcefully removed.

Fine. But one more question?

Sure. What’s is it?

So how many midg-

NOPE GET THE FUCK OUT. Bring in the next one. Let’s try this again.

Woah, Japanese van!

Yea, cool little thing! So, anyways, the 1996 Honda Acty. It’s quite the ex-

I love Japanese things! I’m really in-tune with the culture.

Right… So anyways, the Honda Acty. You walk up to this pint sized van and a few things stand out.

First, the wheel base. It will happily fit within the bed of an F150. Second the height. Because while the overall length of the car is about on par with a bed, the other dimensions are more familiar.

Uh-huh

You can pile three wide in the back, all while having actual headroom of, well, a van. It’s like cutting a slice of van like a cake, and it became its own car. So-

Hey can I ask you a question?

Uh sure

So do you Japanese things too?

I suppose?

Do you watch Anime?

Uh not relevant for the review dude?

I mean you said you like Japanese cultur-

Anyways, the small size of the car does mean that you’ll find yourself looking at spaces and places that nothing larger than a golf kart can pass through and begin the journey of letting the intrusive thoughts take hold. Something something everything becomes a nail when you wield a hammer, but with narrow spaces.

The sidewalk looks narrow enough for your van. You know you wanna do it. Yo-

You should really watch original Pokémon if you want to understand Japa-

You know you want to. And who’s gonna get mad at you? People will either be too confused or too enamored to get angry. Because, like your prior guest said, you’re in “the baby van-

That Japanese van is really tiny.

Got your head out of your ass long enough to notice?

What?

Nuthin’

You know Japanese people are all really small!

If that gross overstatement wasn’t kind of true, I would call you out on it! However, when it comes to this thing, it’s partially true. All of the knobs and switches are pint-sized, for those little Japanese hands to fondle. The one thing that isn’t small, is the trunk space!

With the form factor of a 1940’s lunchbox, the Acty takes advantage of every millimeter of room within its own space. Minimal wall thickness will kill you in a crash, but hopefully it can help you cram just one more manga or whatever you put in the back of this thing.

I knew it! I just love Japanese ingenuity, it’s lightyears ahead of anything Americ-

And my dick is lightyears deep into your ass, leave. I swear to god if another dumbass asks me another question about this aluminum sardine tin I’m going to explode. BRING IN THE NEXT ONE!

Howdy!

Hi, how about we go on a drive?

In that tiny thing?

Got any issues?

None.

Perfect.

“Driving dynamics” is a strong phrase to describe driving this, the soul of an Acty is inherently rooted in utilitarianism. It wants to be a work truck, everything from the seating position to the transmission to even the engine layout and maintenance. No wonder, because the Acty is based off of a Kei Truck platform, and it shows. Sitting and steering this ‘thing’ is an adventure in itself. It’s what I’d imagine driving a city bus that was hit with a shrink ray feels like, since your asshole is the vertical axis upon which the wheels turn.

The steering wheel has about 20 degrees of play in a straight line, pulls to the left, and feels like an arcade machine. You’re constantly trying to do corrections while driving straight, with the wheel sitting happily cocked to the right. Turning in flips this on it’s head.

The van is optioned with hydraulic power steering, so low speed turning isn’t as bad as it can be. However taking a corner at speed loads up the front enough that all of a sudden you actually feel what the tires are doing until you begin to unwind the wheel, and it’s back to using astrology to predict what the front wants. And god help you if a gust of wind hits the van.

The Acty moved with the same urgency of a southern senator being ask to pass a bill with the word “rights” in it. Asking how long it gets to 60 is like asking how long a normal car gets to its top speed. It’s not worth asking, and you probably won’t get there anyways. You’re not taking this on a highway, though maybe 50mph is within reach for a bit.

And that’s mainly because the poor tach is starting to climb past – wait why the hell does this little tiny van rev to 7000 rpm?! Yea so the little inline 3 will rev to a number that many sports cars can’t hit. In a top heavy, slap sided micro-van that can’t even do minimum highway speeds on i4… and it revs to 7. Not that it wants you to.

Yep, like a manual VR6 powered van, you’ve got an interesting engine paired to the right kind of transmission, then slapped into something utilitarian, well, the opposite of a VR Corrado or Honda Beat. And all this meat and power comes in a beautifully small package. Yes, you can access most of the important parts of the engine from the wheel well. No, you don’t need to pull any plastic off to access this. How do we know? Oh yeah.. something happened…

After exploding the alternator belt (and replacing it with a generic belt from autozone), the experience really gave us a good understanding of the wonderful packaging the nugget really has, yet you’d never know. Now, after a hot minute inspecting the broken belt, we get back into the Acty and crank the AC. As the throttle is applied, our box accelerates 3/4 the speed compared to normal performance.

That bad?

It’s oddly strong for a thing that small, blowing a storm of cold through the toaster of a car. But as a consequence, you loose a few of your 30-something horses to “personal comfort”, you glutton.

More about this interior, or what is there at all. Sparse is being generous, I’d say more “empty” than anything. However, this empty space can be used like a box van, running around selling Japanese candy to little boys and girls. Everything you sit on it flat and straight, like cardboard wrapped in cloth. This cloth has a kind of charm though, like the rest of the vehicle. It’s like sitting in grandmas stand-up couch.

The whole drive is both industrial and endearing, it’s pleasant yet you’re ready to get stuff done. It’s like a forklift with googly eyes glued on, the kei van makes you smile no matter what the interior, drivetrain or pitiful speeds make you think.

Now, it really does get a lot of attention on the road, or at stop lights, or in parking lots, etc. Yes, everyone asks questions and treats it like a little baby car. But what did you expect? Look at it, the average American brain can’t comprehend such a foreign object, like roundabouts. As long as you go with the expectations of knowing what you’re getting into, it’s a fun time. The amount of thumbs up from random motorists, car people or not, is unmatched by anything else. It’s more innocent than a Lambo but just as, if not more, eye catching. And we love it for everything it is.