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It came from the airport – as did Covid, tourists, criminally priced drinking water, and all other good things in the 2020s thus far. This Model Why (as it shall henceforth be known) appeared in my life unexpectedly, and disappeared with relieving haste, served up by the Hertz rental counter to shuttle my relatives north for the holidays and back again.
December 27. A chill ran through my body as the cyberpunk jellybean coasted stealthily into my garage. I froze, eyes darting up from my journalist-peasant ration of carrot and seltzer. Something was wrong on the homestead. I grabbed my Kentucky rifle (pants), ranch dog (silly little cat), and dashed across the field (living room) to gauge the situation.
As my family acquainted in the driveway, I gazed upon the mechanical beast before me, mere feet away from my beloved and disheveled Subaru. Its mere presence was an insult to the masterpiece of Japanese engineering beside it, a testament to man’s hubris! DOWN WITH THE-
But before this becomes a Facebook-car-group-format Tesla “review”, yes, I did actually drive it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REVIEW THIS CAR WITHOUT AN ENGINE? This must be some kind of plot by Elon and his goons to deprive me of all analytic material. Overall the Model Why gets a 0/10 on the cool engine scale for not having one.
(This car has two, in fact. It utilizes dual axle motors to produce 384 HP to all four wheels via a 320V system)
Yes, that’s true, it does have those, as denoted by the DUAL MOTOR badge on the rear (The “Model Y” designation is somehow reserved only for the license plate frame). As for what these do, the Teslastan brochure readers weren’t lying. Electric car power is all that talk. Linear, perfectly smooth, and accompanied by a mountain of torque that will leave you waiting for an upshift that never comes. The grunt seems to taper off exponentially, but I guess a good party trick needs no further explanation. Prior to my drive, the steeringWith 255-width tires combined with the weight of a small island, which is common enough for modern cars, you are met with a generally stable and planted grip on good tarmac. Speaking of those wheels-
How exactly do you curb a set of rims this badly and have them continue to hold air? And how do you destroy them so consistently on all four corners? I would not lament this utter destruction on a set of plastic aero wheels, but I quite like the design of these rims. They are the only part of this car with a chance to remind one of the Mercedes SLR.
May it rest in peace.
Unsurprisingly, this is one of the newer vehicles I have ever driven. However the sheer volume (quantity and audio) of squeaks and rattles produced by this interior are unmatched. There is not one panel that feels firmly secured in place. This phenomenon continues with less-important items such as the STEERING WHEEL AND SEATS. The seats do give you clues of luxury surroundings if you close your eyes and shut your nostrils to the overbearing scent of cannabis baked into every surface. I just wish they were attached to the floor better.
As for my evaluation, the Tesla Model Why has claimed the prestigious title of the SECOND Worst Car I Have Ever Driven. This machine is surpassed in automotive misery only by the 2008 Nissan Murano, which is a vehicle that may never be rightfully dethroned.
Model Y, perhaps we will meet again some day at a higher mileage, and I will give you a proper shot at the crown.
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