How the hell did I end up with this Brazilian made General Motors turd? Well, it’s a Uruguayan rental. And that’s as much background as you’ll get!

This unfortunate hatchback is almost a GR Corolla! Both have a small displacement inline 3, are handsomely styled hatchbacks, and are six speed manuals! Sure, this car is fwd. but that just means it’s RWD, but in reverse! So it’s technically what the real car enthusiasts are after. AND it’s naturally aspirated! Pound sand Toyota and Gazoo Racing, this car is pure. It’s got revs! Over 6000 of them! That’s almost identical to my old WRX!

Oh, you’re not sold on this thing yet?

Ah well, allow me to get back to the basics. Close your eyes. Grab someone and have them sensually whisper the words “Chevy Onix” into your ears. What comes to mind?

Was it a generic GM hatchback and crossover platform that underpins the following cars:

• Chevy Onix
• Chevy Onix Sedan
• Chevy Joy
• Chevy Tracker
• Chevy 科沃兹
• Buick Excelle
• Buick Oncore
• UzAuto Motors Chevy Onix Premier

And was manufactured in:

• Brasil
• Uzbekistan
• Argentina
• China
• Mexico

If not, consider if life is still worth living.

This fine example of an Onix is not the overhyped torque monster that is the 1.1L turbo. NAY, this is the real deal. The purist machine. A 1.2L NA ecotec i3 with a six speed manual. You wanna see what 90 hp and 82 lb-ft looks like?

Well behold:

Dearest reader, I am having a moment. The majesty of those lennnngthyyyy… girthyyyy intake runners… I think we need to pause the review of a sec, as I….

Uh….

Well:

Top 5 Most Fuckable Engines

You read the title, you sick fuck. But I guess you crave forbidden information. So, here it is, you literal piece of human filth:

Right then, back to the review:

2024 Chevy Onix – Literally God On Wheels

The Onix isn’t particularly fast, but neither is an MGB GT. And those are considered “desirable classics” and “acceptable” forms of enthusiast transportation. But MG is Chinese now, so their enthusiast all support Beijing’s political ambitions and as an “honest to THE LORD (aka, the Onix) American”, I simply must pretend they don’t exist.

This car can cure cancer. If only I had it in my Jr. Year of high school. Oh well.

Anyways, how it drives right?

The Chevy Onix drives. That’s it.

What!? Do you want more? Who are you? ARE YOU FROM THE DRIVE’S LEGAL TEAM? GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE I —

Cornering is more stable than the other small car I drove in Uruguay, that being a 2017 Suzuki Celerio. Which is a JAPANESE car made in INDIA!! UNLIKE THIS ALL BRAZILIAN AMERICAN MADE MACHINE. It’s wider stance and lower body gave a noticeable reduction in roll and further increased driver confidence though a corner. However it is still small enough that you can be goofy and chuck the car around unwillingly.

Don’t worry, the handbrake can be used to coerce this… mmmmmghhmuff… Onix around a corner. And if the Chevy Sonic could become a rally car, SO CAN THIS SHIT.

While vehicle stability is improved over a literally Japanese designed toaster with wheels built in India and sold in Uruguay, the overall refinement is less of a leap forwards and more of a suggestive nudge in the right direction. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE LORD’S CAR. IT IS A HUMBLING EXPERIENCE TO BE JOLTED VIOLENTLY OVER A SPEED BUMP.

*grovel here please*

*stop groveling please*

Its lack of refinement “adds character” to the car, or something like that, as I’m told to say at gunpoint. You’d think it can’t be that hard or that expensive to tune the suspension a bit and add some foam under the carpets. But alas, I have been proven wrong and so have you. You fucking idiot.

Anyways, you’ll hear a lot of random road and wind noise, and it rides great for the 1800’s.

How does it go? Well how far would you go if I shot you out of a missile for daring to question the Onix?

(Hey. Hey you. Yea come here. Come c l o s e buddy. Don’t let them hear us. You want the truth? You wanna know what this car is like? It’s gutless. It’s fucking gutless. It is genuinely fucking awful. Whatever power this engine doesn’t make buzzes its way uselessly into the tarmac. And it’s utterly pointless above 4th, maybe 5th. 6th feels like an extra overdrive, tacked on as a cruel joke to the driver. That– oh god, THEY’RE HERE RU—)

The Onix moves with haste and urgency and is not to be rushed. Why do You want to go faster? What did he tell you in there?

Cease and look here. Look into my eyes:

The Chevy Onix is not powered by “a gutless waste of metal resources” and “accelerates like a stoned snail”. No sir it does not. Nope. That’s heresy in these parts, boy.

The interior is honestly not terrible. It’s cheap, sure but it’s also not that bad a place to be in. and the design of it is pretty sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick. The Chevy Onix’s “infotainment” system, is really just some segmented LCD head unit. But hey, at least the volume and main radio controls are actual, physical buttons. And they’re made out of whatever leftover plastic pellets they had from the C4 Corvette. The plastic molding in the dash is also a bit neat.

The outside as well is fairly well done, and in RS trim, shown above, that little bit of aggression would pair well to a better powertrai—

It doesn’t need a different engine. The car is flawless. Lord forgive him. Lord forgive him. Lord forgive him.

(The Onix is displeased with you)

In the 1960’s and 70’s, NASA made a concerted effort to develop a “super critical airfoil”. The goal was to investigate a series of 2D profiles that could operate efficiently in the transonic regime while maintaining desirable low speed performance. The resulting airfoils are under the NASA SC series. The methodology for obtaining these airfoils and their performance characteristics can be found in NASA Technical Paper 2968.

I like the word “trailing edge cusp”. You should say it at least 7 times a day.

So that’s it really. The Onix is just kinda “a car”. But one filled with deceit. Underneath that cloak of fairly ok styling, lies an anemic heart of unmatched disappointment. It’s not really cheap and cheerful. It’s just cheap and kinda crap. And no amount of handbrake turns or a manual transmission so mediocre i didn’t even mention is really gonna save this thing.