Breaking news from the world of the automotive! You better have your assholes mis-shifted dear consumers, because our operatives successfully infiltrated the internal servers at Ford’s R&D center. And after shifting through a bunch of failed Ford GT reboots and plans for a Mustang LMH car, we found the “Ford Tough Initiative 2”.

After an internal probe, Ford executives found a truly terrifying and deep rooted systemic problem within their entire manufacturing department:

“If the people who build our trucks aren’t also being held to the same ‘built Ford tough’ standard, how can we ensure that products such as the the all new F150 Lightning are up to the ‘built tough’ standard?”, Herbert Vanwallace from the board of directors said in a leaked internal memo. He continues, “In order to ensure our products are conceived, designed, and manufactured to our exacting ‘tough’ standards, we will be implementing a voluntary experimental program aimed to improve Ford toughness.”

The experimental gene therapy lab, now dubbed the Ford Lightning Lane, has been operating since late November of 2025, with employees volunteering at their own free will to undergo the procedure.

We spoke to one Ford employee who willingly decided to undergo the procedure. After being turned “Ford Tough”, he described to us his experience:

“Good lord, it feels as if every cell in my body is being torn apart atom by atom and then forcibly rearranged. I can feel the very fiber of my being become but a twisted shell of its former self. I am no longer human, but something other. This is the most excruciating pain man has and will ever endure. The loving embrace of the void which we enter upon the extinguishing of our life’s flame cannot come soon enough to free my very existence from this agony.”

Man. What a buzzkill.

Anyways, Ford expects these new “Built Tough” workers to complement its fleet of workers from their last “Ford Tough” initiative, which resulted in the implementation of exoskeletons (shown below). It is expected that 30% of Ford’s current workforce will undergo the “Ford Tough” operation, with a 9.6% projected quarterly growth in fiscal year 2026 and a 27% increase to overall measured Ford Toughness.

“I will kill god, if it’s the last thing I do. A divine creator this ignorant or uncaring to the suffering of its creation is unfit to rule.”, the Ford Tough Employee told us in confidence.

We at MSIMA wish him only the best of luck on his noble endeavors.