The Hyundai Veloster N is a hot hatch for your attention span deficient 6 year old cousin with enough gimmicky bullshit to keep them from asking to borrow your phone.

I know I’m late to the hype train but fuck you, I rode it all the way to a test drive full of cheap plastic and pre-programmed backfires (I’m easily amused). Let’s be premature and blunt here, the hype train left me in a station of mediocrity then proceeded to switch to the Toyota GR rail line, waiting for me me to jump onboard. With how much I remember people stroking Hyundai’s dick over this (myself included) I was half expecting the second cumming of automotive Jesus.

And like, it’s a fine little nugget of a car. Has a decent enough kick, suspension modes give you a range from “caress my spine” to “rail my ass with rebar”, steering feedback was good, tech was impressive enough, auto rev matching work really well, and the noises it makes in “time attack n mode” still provide me with enough mental stimulus to forget I haven’t driven anything in weeks. And for a car that can be had in the mid $20,000 range, I’d say it’s a pretty decent bargain.

The Veloster N hits you up front as an exciting curiosity. New hot hatches are rare in the US, and your choice of cheap sports cars usually winds up debating where you want a BRZ or the respect of your peers. But after settling into N mode, turning on auto rev matching, and seeing what the powertrain wants to do, you’re left with a car that doesn’t seem to really find what it’s good at.

And like… it doesn’t have to be a specialist tool, but it should show a higher natural competence in some area of being a sporty car, and not just skirt by like a senior in the last month of college. Without that, it’s a fine hot hatch, but nothing really makes it stand out aside from getting to be smug about how many doors you have.

This nugget on wheels probably fits the personality of most it’s owners: inwardly dull. It’s a car that temps you with the promise of a hot hatch experience better (and cheaper) then whatever the establishment (so… VW?) offer, and while on that front it might initially succeed with some more entertaining performance, a GTI is a place you’ll want to keep coming back to like a good little obedient consumer. Meanwhile a Veloster N’s interior just manages to release more and more base Elantra levels of shit plastic the longer you stay in one. Oh you can make the clock look like some doodad from the Fallout franchise, I’m sure it all evens out.

But interior quality isn’t everything when you want cheap thrills and the GTI isn’t the only car the N tries to go up against and comes back half-baked. Take the last generation Focus ST. From inside, that car literally felt like an rental car, and the chassis I drove had well over 100k miles on it, but damn it, that stupid engine would come on boost and pulled like a horse with steroids up its ass. It didn’t matter that the “infotainment” system looked like it smelled sticky, the car would fuck off and not want to let up, then roll into a corner with still decent feedback (especially for this example’s wear). The N lacks a truly visceral punch, even in “N” mode when it’s at its computer commander angriest. Oh the DCT gets an overboost mode? I’m sure your extra 15 hp makes all the difference, but it’s not available on the manual.

And speaking of a manual, god why did they design it this way? Have you, dear reader, ever felt the shifter on a recent Civic SI? If not, drunkenly stumble your way into the nearest Honda lot and go fondle that knob, even standing still it feels like the best stock shifter you can buy for under $30k. The Veloster (and Elantra although the shifter feel in the Elantra N felt nicer) had a large circular knob (good) with this stupid plastic top (bad) that feels like a cheap Walmart toy, paired with a throw that’s just kinda alright. It’s not too vague but it’s not super great, the throw ain’t too long but the feeling is kinda numb and rubbery. And god does the knob feel bad. Hyundai isn’t the only one to have a knob like that (Subaru) but it doesn’t like an wish.com special whenever your hand goes to shift.

Speaking of Subaru, we finally come to the WRX. Upfront I am very much biased for this car. The generation that went up against the N at the time was also a car I owned. The interior is cheap, the stock brakes need better pads, the first two iterations of infotainment systems in the VA are hopeless, and it likes to understeer because AWD. But fuck me was that one of the most rewarding cars to beat on. The ST might be straight line faster, gti nicer, this car hits you with the baseball bat of “driving experience” across the face. It gives you better feedback, straight line and corner out acceleration hits better, and it makes a good noise too. The car also has very good steering feedback, and when the surface gets loose, the fun just grows. The VA gen and current VB gen might not have as many electronic goodies or an interior that’s much better, but you’re rewarded with a car that’s pure fun (and pretty pretty damn quick too) and for me, slapped a smile on my face faster.

Look, you can argue that the N’s lack of a big focus means it “makes no compromises”, but that just leads you with a car that has potential in ever segment but doesn’t go that extra length to really stand out as an extraordinary driving experience, only to have what feels like quirks and random tech thrown at it try and bridge the gap. But you don’t need 20 way adjustability in the car’s settings, motec i2 level of data logging, and rev matching to make it fun. You need a car that wants to have fun, and not because the computer asks it to dump fuel and play noise through its speakers (pull the fuse like in a VW please).

Maybe a twisty mountain road will make me see the light with this thing. I still liked the Veloster N, again it’s a modern hot hatch, so it handles, it’s stops, it moves okay, I dig the way it looks, and Apple carplay exists, but it left more to be desired as a really great performance car.