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I once wrote that every minivan has two lives. The first as negligible as, say, the life-quality contributions of a good water bottle. One of those tapered metal ones with the screw on cap, which does its job with a robust sense of utility and withstands constant abuse without consequence. This water bottle is the minivan incarnate, it is the Honda Odyssey.

This inevitable second life is where a vehicle becomes storied, often in the hands of a far younger second-through-tenth owner. The minivan transcends appliance-status to a medium for memories sweet, sour, grotesque, triumphant, anxious, and biohazardous.

This stage is where we find our current subject, locally known as The Donkey Van.

But we do not trust The Donkey Van because it has some issues.

[Castle steward unrolls comically long scroll onto the throne room floor]

This car has:

One blown Head Gasket, off-brand coolant, a sludged up motor, four blown shocks, an absolutely nauseating ride, a very squishy brake pedal, destroyed rear brake rotors, dry rotted and worn front tires leaving zero traction in snow or rain (also due to a VSA fault). The motor mounts are totally gone, the entire drivetrain moves, it has a huge exhaust leak, and likes pulling to the left for unknown reasons. It has a brown mystery stain under the back seats, peeling paint and chrome up front, a vague steering input at any speed, and a blown up transmission cooler with 170k mile-old fluid. There are VCM issues, it’s never had the timing belt replaced, never had the valves adjusted, and features fishbowl tail lights full of rust. The AC blows hot air at the driver but cold at passenger.

Current kill count is three mice…that we know of.

I suppose those are the bad bits out of the way, onto the slightly less worse.

This interior, clad in Honda’s most inoffensive beige leather and plastic, feels like the kind of comfy old couch that only existed in your childhood friend’s basement gaming room. All seven of these seats are worn to hell and all the better for it. As you can see, the van carries with it all sorts of exotic materials.

Fuels, oils, and coolants galore, plus mystery engine sludge and Bang Energy in a variety of flavors. The mark of any true tradesman.

The heat works, the lights work, and all the other boring things that a van’s first owner never touches work just fine. It did a fine job separating us from the wintry apocalypse visible through the windshield.

As you have likely guessed by now, conditions that day were not ideal for gauging the driving dynamics of a vehicle, let alone one that maintains so little friction with the road that all sensations are absent. Mercedes, BMW, I’m looking at you and all your rich friends at the other lunch table. Y’all wish, you WISH you could produce a vehicle as completely deprived of road feel as this. The Donkey Van is the reason you aren’t called the Ultimate Driving Machine anymore, fuck ya life.

All of this makes for a humorous experience in a brutal snowstorm, navigating sharp corners between roads exclusively limited to 15 or 45 mph. The dry rotted tires use an advanced kinetic energy system (wheelspin) to gradually accelerate the ship (Donkey Van) to an unknown velocity as the speedometer jumps around to random numbers. Any steering input above the average speed of a glacier will not alter your direction at all. This was tested by viciously cranking the wheel left to right at road speed and continuing perfectly straight. Talk about smoothness.

What powers this machine anyway?

omg J35 V6 hiii !!! <3

You don’t look so good pal, take a trip to the ocean and decide to sit in it for a few decades? Good god. Anyway, this venerable single-cam makes 244 HP and 240 LB/FT of torque. Drop each of those numbers by 40-50 for an accurate Donkey Van representation. The VCM cylinder deactivation works, somehow, and the VTEC works, somehow, and the swiss cheese exhaust makes sure you know it.

Thanks in part to the tire quality and snow quantity, it will still spin 1st through 3rd gear.

The J-series was my introduction to decent horsepower upon obtaining my learner’s permit, and I stand by the claim that it is one of the best 6-cylinder engines ever created. Much like a Dodge and its Cummins, this engine will long outlast the shell it inhabits.

As the man behind the van said it best:

JUST TAKE CARE OF YOUR CARS PROPERLY AND THIS WON’T HAPPEN!