Welcome to the second car I have ever purchased, my third pre-recession V6 sedan, and a vehicle I had truly never paid an ounce of attention to until I was signing it into my life. It is change at a price, a cautious step into a new way of life, laced with a faint air of hypocrisy, and a fascinating reminder of how our relationship with technology has evolved more in theory than in practice.

More tonight at 5. Dan?

This 2005 model is a 3rd generation ES, its original having been spawned as a front-drive younger sibling to the beloved LS400. It has occupied pretty much this same spot in their lineup since it and the brand’s inception. Like a United States senator, but dependable when asked to accomplish basic tasks. But let’s get this out of the way; built on the Toyota XV30 platform, this ES is a Camry in a suit. The fabric is well-tailored and of undeniably high quality, but there’s no shaking that feeling that the figure beneath the thread just wasn’t built for office life. The finish inside and out is excellent, and has endured the decades better than any modern car could be expected to. I am the second owner of this example, and just recently rolled the LCD odometer to 76,000 miles.

After a decent first season of owning this gated community Camry – seized brake caliper during a blizzard notwithstanding – it still bemuses me how I hadn’t once noticed another one on the road. Another staple of ES ownership is having a dash light for broken self-adjusting HID headlights. Mine work because they know I’m pure of heart. Actually? Everything on this car works, except for the upstream bank 1 O2 sensor heater circuit. But you don’t need that. Those lights will be swapped for halogen housings at the first sign of trouble.

Hundred dollar bulbs by the way. Or find a pair under the seat of your friend’s NC Miata and steal them for free.

I love the look of this car. Factory wheel fitment is a near universal detractor of good body lines but we can fix that later. Something about the mini-LS430 tail lights and curved glass in the C-pillar just itches my brain in the right way. It still needs to be lowered. More at 5.

If the panini-pressed catfish styling doesn’t already do it for you, this interior may not be to taste either. But that would be the objectively wrong opinion. I would not have folded for a silver car if not for this fantastically gaudy fake red wood. When I purchased it I found the center console full of golf tees. Make of that what you will.

Might I add, the touchscreen infotainment folds out to reveal a hidden double disc player. The GPS is on one of said discs and does not recognize half of all current roads’ right to exist. I feel more at home in this space than in any other car I have owned. Highway trips pair equally well with Dark Side of The Moon or Parliament Greatest Funk Hits, on CD of course. Any other media format would muddle the flavor profile. The HVAC and gauge cluster are simply and predictably laid out, all dimmable to nothing for full stealth mode.

I do have a word or two for the Toyota engineer who put the “windshield washer fluid low” light right next to the OIL PRESSURE LIGHT in the SAME COLOR. I just want to talk, and you’re paying the bills for my next heart attack.

Yes I’m missing my front undertray and I forgot to take an engine bay photo. If you’ve ever looked under the hood of a Toyota Sienna you won’t need one. Lexus took the care to affix a branded silver cover with allen head screws to the top of the venerable 3MZ-FE V6. No 2GR activities here, sorry. Can it still make 500 HP and fit in your MR2? That remains to be seen. This 3.3L variant makes a fiercely debated 218 or 225 or 228 HP at 5,600 RPM with a pleasant VVT punch around 3,500. A 4Runner does have a higher redline, yes, but that’s okay because despite weighing in at 3,400 lbs on its own, this machine isn’t hauling around five imperial tons of overland recovery gear at all times.

On that note, this car will haul anything except ass. And for that we have the Toyota U151E 5-speed automatic to thank. If this car has a weak link, much like an H. W. Bush-era Buick, it’s that godforsaken transverse slopbox paired to what is otherwise a fantastic engine.

Imagine my surprise when it double-jump slamshifted into 4th gear on my second day of ownership, scrambling onto the Facebook ES owners’ page to countless records of “yeah they just do that”. Upshifts get concerningly slow the longer you drive, but do so predictably every time. Kicking into lower gears is fine as long as your foot makes it clear you don’t still want the same gear at 60% throttle like IT’S AN UPHILL ON RAMP SHIFT I DON’T WANT TO BE IN 5TH AT 30 MPH I’M FLOORING IT PLEASE SHIFT and then you get full power all at once.

Like a 2-stroke.

This transmission SUCKS, so set the cruise control at the 80 MPH sweet spot and just try to forget. Should have been a manual.

Having moved on from the hilarious forever-war that was owning my 2003 Subaru Forester, I just wanted to be comfortable. And I had been so long without the feeling that it stopped seeming like a cop-out. The Lexus ES is about realizing that admitting defeat is not the sole way to bring an end to violence. The Lexus ES is about healing past your belief that the sole path to peace is through pain. It’s about coming to terms with the fact that those who instilled these beliefs in you spread lies to compensate their insecurities.

After all this time, especially now, cars of this era have so much to teach us.

We were once on the cusp of a more idyllic future. Grand scapes of plastichrome prosperity. Capacitive digital interaction at your fingertips! Ovals! Computer aided design! It’s Q4 2004, you’re fresh off a second promotion at the dental clinic, and the incredible mortgage deal you scored will surely be secure for decades to come!

You deserve a new car. Another 20 billion miles to Lexus ES330.