I don’t know how this one eluded publishing for so long. But fuck it, better late than never!

This was my old college roommate’s car. He always wanted an e92 M3. And an M3 this isn’t. But it was the happy compromise that some Jeep dealer in Tampa sold him on. It slotted between his old BMW e46 325xi that met its fate on Ohio black ice and an oh so lovely Hyundai Genesis Coupe 3.8 R Spec of notable MSIMA infamy. And this car, likes it successors, was yet another rung on his ladder of automotive misfortune.

The car itself wasn’t bad, mind you.

Being an e92 3325i it pulled like hell in a straight line. Fun things happen when you turbocharge a straight six ya know. Sounded alright too, but it’s that damn torque that stuck with me. Being a BMW straight 6 it already wasn’t lacking for torque. And then that turbo gets thrown into the mix just to prove that Bavarians have a sense of humor. Seeing as it felt faster than it had any right to be in 2021, I could only imagine what it did to people back in 2009. And because of this, it does the BMW thing of encouraging you to drive like a shithead. That quote in the title didn’t come from nowhere!

The e92 handled well too. The hydraulic steering was a lovely refresh in a sea of numb electric units. It wasn’t the fastest rack, but it matched the car’s character well. The rest of this small German boat talked well and cornered with decent control, though funnily enough the car did feel somewhat large. And that was coming from a 4-door sport-compact WRX. Sending around the old familiar Daytona beach Airport loop, the heavy hand of traction control would its compliance to your demands. Its owner learned what happens when you remove the guiding had of TC, and it resulted in a blown tire and a realignment. When not trying to be a complete idiot, it would spin its tires pretty easily if you just mashed the throttle. That was a battle that TC would fight valiantly but couldn’t always contain.

The transmission was a six speed automatic unit from ZF, predecessor to everyone’s favorite 8 speed auto. It was ok. For a 2009 auto I’d even say it was pretty good. Would it have been better as a manual? Yes, next question?

As far as ride comfort, it’s a higher spec’d 2009 BMW 3 series, it’s perfectly fine. The car was composed but it did feel a little floaty at times. Maybe old parts, maybe not.

The interior felt “of its time”, but I’d prefer that early iDrive over the app and menu laden mess that’s out now. Oh and it had these little grabby grabby seat belt extender arms that always dropped the belts as they presented them to you. How charming of it, the clutz. Two big round gauges stared back at you from behind the simply styled (but oddly fat) steering wheel, reminding me that I too will become a nostalgic 50 year old shouting about the good old days. The seats were squishy and smelled like crayons. I had to refrain from eating them.

And that’s about it for this quickie. It was a fine, fast, and slightly oddly sized sedan based coupe. I really liked it, but it’s a 335i, how could I hate that? It also does the type of thing that BMW should be doing best, that being fun to drive RWD compact and mid-sized sedans with torquey i6’s. It entertains, it comforts, and it can be lotta fun. Although I feel like I’m forgetting something…

Oh right, the reason why he got rid of his “almost” dream car.

Well one night, he parked it and went to bed. Then, some “magic” happened and by the next morning, it managed to piss out all of its oil and coolant. In order to properly address that issue, the fix would’ve cost about the same as the car. Just 335i things I guess.