While totally not reading a review on another car website (my MSIMA contract obliges me to only consume MSIMA content), I came across something profound. While quenching the insatiable hunger to know what a new Renault 5’s first service interval would be like, I saw this in nifty thing lurking in an image gallery of a the article:

So, with the power of the infinite at my fingertips, I sought to indulge my curiosity.

And that’s when I saw:

Well then.

What a time that was. The website is called “The Originals”, which… I mean some of these sure are. Let’s say… 50%, with the rest being Renault reskins of very miscellaneous crap.

Now let us shift through said crap and present to you, a consumer of all, what goodies await:

10 – Alpine v6 GTA Rain Jacket

A fine piece of high fashion indeed, letting all those around you know that you really like the Alpine 610. A lot. Buy it in the U.S. so people my age or younger will think you’re really excited for the GTA 6!

9 – “The House of Frog” AC Fragrance

No, this isn’t some sort of meta self hating joke by the French (we think) but instead a brand tie in with the adorably and I guess vaguely frog eyed new Twingo. What does it smell like? Unsure but our guesses are on “bog” and “sweaty cloth with a hint of hot plastic”. Buy an army of these and leave them on peoples cars like Jeep ducks or moo moo Subaru cows, so the world at large knows that Renault product planners are always near by… lurking in the shadows… waiting…

8 – Anything from “Mute the Hot Rod”

I get that this is in reference to a 2023 Renault electric hot rod project… thing… but I’m not sure it translates too well regardless of the language. But hey, if you wanna rock niche car drip that’ll make 90% of petrol heads think you’re the final boss of HOA meetings, well be our guest then. And you better hurry up, because this line of products is shrinking fast!

7 – Renault Branded Surf Boards

These fall into one of four categories:

1. Renault Twingo
2. Renault 4
3. Renault 5
4. “Hippie” themed

Will any of the fit safely inside their respective cars? Shut up…

Additionally, you could theoretically buy an original Renault Twingo with at least €1000 to spare to prep it for the Twingo Raid across Morocco. Or one surf board.

6 – Renault 5 Coffee Maker

Before you all revolt, yes, they do offer it with Renault 4 branding as well. So calm down.

5 – Mobilize bento Le D. collectible figurine

Renault will actually sell you plenty of simplified resin car models molded in a variety of funky bright colors. However we’ll be highlighting this beauty today. It’s a Renault Mobilize Bento, aka an edgy Twizy with a box stuck to it. However, this one was been snazzed out French street artist Le D(?). I’m sure he’s a big deal and I’m just ignorant. Get your street smart funko pop car thing to prove that you truly are the best consumer.

By the way, while you can get several miniature vans, they currently do not sell a scale model for the RS01.

4 – Renault 4 Arcade Machine (Arc4de)

Are you forever lusting after vaguely Renault 4 branded arcade machines? Well you’re in luck! You get to eagerly choose from THREE different reskins of classic arcade games! You ‘Space’ (Space Invaders), ‘ghousts’ (PacMan), and ‘Blocks’ (Tetris). And of course the reskin doesn’t include the game graphics ya schmuck, just the exterior vinyl.

3 – Any of the Skateboards and Decks

There are two whole pages on their website dedicated to Renault branded skateboards and board decks. Some of them look pretty snazzy too. You should buy up the entire stock of “Mute the Hotrod” boards.

2 – “The French” Panama Hat

Finally, what we’ve all truly wanted: someone to blame for all these unique products. I’ve personally pondered long and hard on whether or not I can wear this in public. There is also a “the French” coffee mug as well.

Honorable Mention: Twingo Gummies

This would have made it onto the list proper, however his greed sickens me. And yes they are shaped like the car.

1 – The Renault Twingo Pinball Table

I too have always wanted to overpay for a reskinned generic pinball machine themed after an entry level electric econobox. Yes this is just a much cheaper machine with a splash of limited green. However, unlike the arcade machines, this is very clearly and heavily Twingo themed, so no one will be doubting you there. It’s the crown jewel of any die hard enthusiast’s collection. Sure, you might have a Renault Turbo 2 AND a Sport Spider, but do you own this bad boy? Exactly, you pathetic farce.

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The word “Renault” and “Twingo”, along side the numbers “4” and “5” have currently lost all meaning after writing this article. I hope it was worth it.