Recently Nissan has announced their departure from the Russian market, selling all of their Russian operations and locations. Because of this, they are reportable taking a $686 million dollar loss. How are they losing this much money? Because the thrifty fucks at Mis-Shift gave them an offer Mr. Nissan couldn’t refuse.

For a grand total of $1, we have officially purchased all of Nissan’s Russian property! And we have big plans:

MSIMA’s Big Irrefutably Great Plan for Profitability (MISMA’s B.I.G.P.P.)

1. Remodel all dealerships to include an onsite off-brand Chuck-E-Cheese

From now on, all dealerships will either be entirely converted into or have installed an off brand Chuck-E-Cheese franchise, Ferris-O-Fromage. What better way to distract children and parents alike from existing in Modern Russia than gas station pizza, animatronics, and an arcade! Plus with the number of old Nissan dealers, imagine the brand loyalty!

2. Discontinue sales of all non-profitable vehicles

In order to reduce expenses, we are offering a one time bulk sale of all vehicles that have yet to turn a profit. After digging through sales reports, the following excess stock will be sold off and not replenished: Nissan Murano, Nissan 400z, Nissan Pathfinder, Nissan Micra, Nissan Sentra, Nissan Leaf, Nissan Quashi, Nissan Townstar, Nissan Ariya, Nissan Kombi, and Nissan Frontier. We apologize for the inconvenience. Auction to start October 25.

3. Corner the market on reimagining American products

Picture this, you’re a Russian oligarch trapped in your home country, unable to feast on such western delicacies as “the McDonalds Fish Fillet”. Well, hop on into your local Ferris-O-Fromage presented by Nissan of Russia – MSIMA, and order a Ferris-O-Fromage Fish Cutlet Hoagie! Made with REAL American preservatives! Such offerings are sure to increase brand loyaly

4. Introduce the angry birds 2 arcade game

Our customers LOVE angry birds 1 game! So we will make them sequel!

5. Utilize Ferris-O-Fromage by Nissan of Russia – MSIMA Brand Loyalty to stage a coup and overthrow the current Russian government, rename the country to Russia by MSIMA

This is self explanatory.

6. …

7. Profit

And so concludes the roadmap for the Mis-Shift takeover of Nissan Russia, we can’t wait for you all to join us on our journey! See you out in the foxholes and forests, and maybe you can pick yourself up a new Nissan Altima!