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With the looming departure of the Titan, an auto-only Nismo Z, and few niches left for more crossover models, it’s truly a race to the bottom at Nissan motor company. In copying the homework of their classmate Mitsubishi, business priority numero uno is to extinguish any remaining enthusiast interest in the brand, and further diversify their lineup while making sure not to increase sales.

Historically, Nissan has truly shined in enough ways that their reputation is difficult to dismantle. But through extensive psychological and economic research, I have determined that only one car would be able to do so in a timely and effective manner.

This, of course, would mean a revival of the original Murano.

The gen 1 (Z50) Murano was arguably the first crossover from Nissan, an ambitious new project to abandon all the many highlights of their notorious SUVs; the XTerra, Pathfinder, and otherwise. The OG Murano sat on the forefront of the lineup for five long years, previewing the styling cues (or lack thereof) to be seen later in the Rogue. I am not going to talk about the Cross Cabriolet, which exists as a separate entity of unknowable cosmic power. But most notably, a 2006 base-model example continues to hold an exclusive title in my heart.

The absolute worst car I have ever driven.

Just as Sisyphus had his stone, and Atlas his globe, I have the Nissan Murano. The continued existence of these cars is a burden that I must ever carry and often be reminded of. However, being a useful tool of business and being utterly miserable are not mutually exclusive, and I duly accept the effective role this car would play in Nissan’s carefully orchestrated demise.

Pop the hood, will you?

Hello VQ35, we meet again. It was wrong what they did to you and we all know it. Somewhere under all that plastic, Nissan’s trombone-tone V6 has been bolted to their infamous CVT which produces all the noise of a Whipple supercharger with none of the gains. It made 245 HP in the Murano, but let’s be honest, how much of that power is making it to the ground? 200 maybe? That seems optimistic in my experience, even a shift down into S-Mode will bar the engine from ever reaching its powerband. What’s important in all this is that the VQ lives on in multiple forms today, and that same CVT has permeated every niche of Nissan’s lineup, making parts readily available for this potential revival.

My claim remains in theory at the time of writing, but I place my confidence in the fact that no other vehicle could better accelerate the brand’s decline than this rolling design study of a Logitech computer mouse.

Stand by for updates from your trusted media overlords at MSIMA.