From your local discontunued mineshaft, The Skinwalker presents:

Against the recommendations of his lawyers, Chip Ganassi actually doubled down on his recent action at the Rolex 24, reversing onto and killing a driver’s dog. In order to drive his point home, Mr. Ganassi has decided to take a team semi truck and drive full speed into the front doors of the local humane society. We managed to get an exclusive interview from the man himself.

“I don’t care about dogs and I never will. If they’re not making me money, I don’t want it anywhere near me. What’s the humane society doing in the path of my truck anyways? They should’ve known better!”

We continued to push him on the matter:

“Also, any snake I get my hands on will be tensile tested by my engineers here at ganassi racing” Interviewers asked what possible function they could get from tensile testing various local wildlife. Chip’s official stance of the matter is “Any form of animal cruelty is objectively funny, we will continue developing the mostlv accurate stress strain curves for reptiles in existence”. Truly strange things going on at Ganassi racing. But we at MSIMA are not one to shy away from engineering developments, regardless of the effects on the local snake population.

We were very curious, just which reptiles have been performing the best at tensile testing and we have some answers for you. They told us that in Ultimate strength the Eastern Hognose is a winner, with its excellent girth and wide head making it perfect for the conditions of a tensile testing machine, however it is a quite brittle performer. The black rat snake and common garter snake have shown pretty good elastic behavior. While a strange development at ganassi it’s good to know that they are on the cutting edge of reptile yielding innovations. One must wonder what victories have eluded them thanks to time wasted on the reptile yielder instead of out on the race track.

The Humane Society is attempting to press charges, but the Ganassi legal team has given us a statement claiming “this happens more than you’d think”. This makes us think they’re pretty well equipped to deal with a case such as this. We’ll keep you guys updated on any new developments, and our thoughts and prayers go out to any dog or cat in Chip’s path.