Welcome, to a 2023 Suzuki S-Cross 1.5 DualJet Hybrid Comfort+ !

Fuck me.

I was just beating the hell out of Porsches on track, and now, I’m stuck behind the wheel of this. Look at this thing:

It looks confusingly pissed off at who ever designed it. Like a Soviet propagandist plopped in the middle of modern Disney World: it’s eyes squint in the hot Florida sun at disbelief, with a mouth that frowns at the surrounding decadence. Seriously though, this car is not a pleasing sight to behold. The blocky front, the busy lights, giant grill, sloped roof, general wideness… and why is there chrome at the leading edge of its front lip? It feels slapped together in a studio where the designers gave too little of a shit but were still far too eager to add their grubby touches to it.

The inside is a bit less offensive to your senses, although the smell of Suzuki fabric gave me a headache. You’ve got two mechanical gauges, which was unexpected for a hybrid SUV. Oh yeah, it’s a hybrid. And yes, you can tell. It doesn’t “seamlessly blend into the background”. You feel half-assed regen when you let off the gas and a vague whir from somewhere in the car. It’s clunky, noisy, but hey at least the ‘Zuki is efficient. And no, you don’t notice that much of the EV torque when you try to make it move.

So, how does it drive? Uh, like an SUV. It’s slow, it’s a bit cumbersome, and it makes you go numb. Especially on the highway. I took it on Norwegian backroads that looked like alternate universe rural Pennsylvania (except the road surface wasn’t akin to training for Apollo 16). And through the winding turns and hilly farms, there was an ocean of body roll. Mind you, I even had the diddly-knob set into sport!

Oh the joys of a knob. And yes you can lock the diffs, thanks for asking. I wouldn’t have known it’s 4WD otherwise. Anyways, put that bitch into sport and engage all grip!

As fellow MSIMA writer, Dan – the Pincone – Verona said, “the people must know, DOES IT GRIP ALL”, before driving his Subaru into a crowd of terrified onlookers claiming they were all Martian spies. So does it grip at all?

Unfortunately, I can confirm that it does in fact, grip all. All of my nerves, as it bumbles down the road, tearing the road surface apart. Look at this thing, does it look like it’s ever at the edge of traction? At least you can feel the still squishy suspension compress on hilly curves.

Anyways, with sport mode now engaged the full might of Suzuki and Toyota engineering are unleashed upon these backroads. And now in sport, the shifts even worse. The transmission isn’t particularly quick, and under hard acceleration, it kinda acts like on old single clutch. Revs build and then the whole thing kinda lurched a bit while the car figures out the task of shifting gears.

Oh the hybrid system? You still don’t notice it.

Anyways, what’s next? The ICE unit? Well you can have it with a 1.4L Turbo or a 1.5L inline four. This is the 1.5L, and it really does what it can to move this thing. That’s not a lot, mind you. Regardless, what a motor we have!

I’d love to know the legal case behind why the exhaust heat shield needs to remind why not to touch it. Also that filter box is probably larger than the motor is wide. It reminds me of a car that’s 40 years older than a 2023… ANYWHO, Power? Torque? With the 1.5, it’s around 116 finely engineered Japanese horses. Also around 101 ft-lb of torque. While we’re at it, 0-60 is a maybe (13s) and it tops out at like 108mph… You know, those numbers are acceptable for a Focus in 2003. A 9 year old 3-series gets past the 1/4 mile before this affront to hybrid technology gets to 60.

Why do I bother?

Clearly no one at Suzuki cared with this stupid car. It’s not brain-dead transportation, nor is it “basic transportation”. A four year old Corolla both entertains better and doesn’t let you go numb from sensory deprivation. A fucking Chevy Spark (aka Opel Karl) is faster. And I know, straight line shit ain’t everything. But look at it. That’s gotta be at least somewhat unnerving on the highway (it was). And when you forget about the straight line stuff, it corners like dog shit, the all grip bull doesn’t seem to change how it handles on dirt… and on dirt. Dear god, this stupid SUV goes over broken, bumpy dirt roads like it’s got lowering springs sometimes. Sure, you have ground clearance, but what good does it do when you’re constantly bottoming out?

The past three cars (the Renault Captur, VW Touran, and this) have all just been “cars”. Mediocre transport to get you from A-B. But the Renault was a stick, had decent styling, and the interior was a fine place to be. And the VW is a modern German car. So shit haptic controls and a nothing engine, but it just works comfortably and dynamically it’s “ok”. But this? The “Suzuki S-Cross 1.5 DualJet Hybrid Comfort+”, it’s not just mundane schlop. It’s unrefined, underpowered, over-styled, and not that good at the whole “SUV” thing.

Want something positive? It seats 5 and gets good fuel economy. I can’t say I hate this thing, but I sure as hell didn’t like it. My upcoming reviews involve Porsches, so let’s not waste anymore time on this worthless vehicle. I’ll see you on track in the next, actually happy: