CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve just made that big choice. Now you can rest assured that you and the Mrs. can have allll that late night fun for as long as you want. That little shit has gone off to college so better make up for lost time! And now that you’ve tied up on ol’ tubes and let the your junk retire from the act of baby making, maybe it’s time you thought of a new car in honor of your newly rediscovered love life.

What, you think we’d run out of ideas? Fuck outta here, most of us decided that writing is far more entertaining that actual psychiatric help! We’ve got loads more bad ideas to share!

Anyways:

10. 60’s Pink Caddie

Do you wish to relive the old days, back when you could still procreate? Go and pretend you’re in Grease and wingading down to the local sock hop.
9. C7 Corvette Stingray

Is the Caddie cool, but you also want heated seats, electric windows, a reliable motor, comfort, and speed? Well you can get most of those things with a C7 Corvette (particularly one with 100k+ miles on it because you can’t afford anything better), but make sure it’s a Stingray and a Stingray only. Any trim better would just be showing off.
8. Buick Roadmaster

The Buick Roadmaster is compensation for old folks. A lifted truck for aging schmucks. You must be either physically or mentally past the age of 68 to own one of these, as put into law recently.
7. Hummer H2

House real big, junk real big, for da big man making big decisions. Ready to take back your sex life in a big way, treat yourself to the epitome of swag and sex appeal. Size rims to taste.

6. Suzuki Esteem

Because having a vasectomy will most certainly raise your esteem. Get it? Alright sorry onto the next one.

5. Dodge Rampage

It’s a name that lets people know exactly what you’re looking to do… in a car who’s face looks like it’s permanently looking up in depressed confusion asking you “why me?” Kinda like your junk now.

4. Tesla Model Y

You see, plenty of people will be asking you “Y’d ya do it?” Sue me.

3. Plymouth Prowler

Do I need to explain this one? Like really, do I?

2. Mercury Cougar

No. Fuck this, I’m done. You read the name. You get the joke. Fuck this stupid article, I don’t get paid, let alone enough for this shit.

Honorable Mention: Picchio DP2

Long term investment, that’s what you just did. So why not take those savings and buy a historic race car! Like a Picchio DP2! We remember you Picchio!

1. Nissan Homy Super Long

THIS WHOLE POST IS A DICK JOKE, THAT’S IT. OVERPLAYED, MAYBE. GENITAILIA IS ALWAYS FUNNY THOUGH, AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHER WISE.