Creating a model lineup of cars was so much easier in the 1960s. You’ve gotta love their way of thinking. Make one car model with 12 different engines and 7 completely different varients. So your cargo van and your convertible share both a chassis, engine, and probably a lot else. And most importantly, they’re all named the same damn thing. It’s so much more efficient than today, where the same engine and platform are actually sold as individual “unique” models and trims.

And the Fiat 850! Oh what a car, what a creation! That car in its decade or so of production saw maybe one too many versions. At the core of this happy Italian family is a small, rear engined… platform… with a variety of tiny little engines, ranging from a 817cc “high compression” U.S. market inline 4 to the 903cc sporty i4 and a whole 1L race motor! Oh joyous day! But which variant, trim, Abarth tuned, and coach built abomination is the best?

10. SEAT 850 (all of them)

Why is this at 10? Look while doing research for on this stupid Fiat platform, I went down a rabbit hole I didn’t expect nor fancy. There are genuinely too many types of these stupid car. So fuck it, all the SEAT badges versions go here. That includes the Spider, Coupe, Sport Coupe, and the 4 door Especial Lujo. They’re literally just Spanish versions of the 850, and they outlived the Italian platform by two years, from 1966 to 1974. Some, like the Especial Lujo got unique bodywork. The others Didn’t really. They also made over 600,000 of these stupid things.

9. Fiat 850 Spider

When I first learned of this little cutie, I started fantasizing about stylishly cruising down some small town Main Street and how terrible it must be trying to get up any hill. But in its underpowered cuteness, there should like a fairly memorable driving experience. NOT FOR TWENTY-FUCKING GRAND THERE AIN’T! Look I have a loving soft spot for this pretty little thing but damn it they’re kinda pricy for something that made a max of around 53hp. The ones that are under ten grand are rust buckets (because all 850s are made of shitty, probably Soviet sourced steel), and the ones over that are rust buckets in the making. For that, no matter how much I do in fact adore this dumb car, the spider places in 9th.

8. Siata Spring

Ah yes, who could forget coach builder Siata! Makers of the lovely Siata 208 and a buncha other rebodied fiats! A lot of them look really good! And then there’s this! By god, my eyes would like to resign from the act of looking. It’s like a deformed Excalibur. By the way, since it’s based off an 850, the car may weigh nothing, but also its rear engined, so that waterfall grille is doing nothing up front. Also, it has drum brakes all round and apparently came with no seatbelts. You know what this thing did for Siata? It killed them. But not because no one wanted one, oh no. When it came out, despite the terrible reviews, so much demand came from the U.S. that the little Italian company when *pop* after managing to make a little over 3000 of these. Then another company bought the rights, but went bust in 1974. Cursed, forsaken, goofy ass car, and I don’t wanna look at it anymore.

7. Fiat 850 Coupe Sportivo by Vingale

I considered whether or not this should count, since it’s a one off concept car. Underneath, is an 850 Coupe, and on top is a body designed by Vingale! They also made a somewhat bodied 850 Coupe… that just looks like an 850 Coupe… and not whatever this is. I’d rank it at number 1, however, perfection is priceless and that’s a price I can’t afford. Also, since it’s a one-off, there will never be a meet up of these stupid things where you can see them convoy across Europe. I’d find it funny, but Vingale lacked that foresight 60 years ago.

6. Fiat-Abarth OT 850

There are several Abarth variants. Like, there should really be a separate Wikipedia page for all the Abarth cars derived from the 850 platform. But there isn’t. Most of them didn’t make over 80 hp, in typical Fiat 850 fashion. But some did, so lemme mention the 2.0 version: the Fiat-Abarth OT 2000 Coupé America. It’s Fiat 124 derived motor made 180-ish hp, which considering most the cars on this stupid list, is Astro-fucking-naumical. Apparently 3 of these things were made. And you can expect the usual round of Abarth modifications outside of the larger powertrain: disk brakes, new suspension geometry, bit of aero, etc… to turn this Italian creation into a competent race car.

5. Lombardi Grand Prix

Oh Lombardi. I didn’t know you existed until I started writing this dumb article back in January. Anyways, another airplane manufacture turned coach builder, it’s a rebodied 850. Yes, horrendous solid axle + leaf spring front suspension and all. But that “sleek and aero-optimized shape” meant this thing can hit a whole 99 MPH with its toaster sized engine. I’m putting it at number 5, because there are around 500 of these made, but also it’s kind of an abomination, just like the rest of these. It did have a few Abarth versions tho. And some other non-Abarth cars based off the Lombardi too, but ehhhhh fuck em’.

4. Fiat 850 T as whatever the hell this is:

I could wax lyrical about how they turned this into a van and then a dump truck. But truthfully, I think this one speaks for itself. I also wanna give it a hug.

3. Fiat 850 Spiaggetta by Michelotti

You need a contraption to pull up to the doohickey convention in? You also need a car to drive to the beach that can (surprisingly) cruise at 60 mph? Well, Italian designer Michelotti has you covered! And, you’ve got advanced luxury features such as a stereo and a heater (for some fucking reason)! So you can no doubt take the Spiaggetta to some lake in the Italian Rivera during those nice warm alpine winter months.

2. Abarth 1300 Scorpione

Is this car more than just an Abarth-ified version of the Lombardi Gran Prix? Uh… no, not really. But it did get a different engine! Gone was the 850 motor, and in was a modified block from the 124 spider! And like, look at it. It’s even better looking that the original Lombardi! The Scorpione SS also featured a helluva lotta upgrades over the standard 850 and Lombardi, such as independent coil-over front suspension, new sway bars, and disk brakes at all four corners. Also, with the new 2.3L,

1. Fiat 850 Familiare

That’s fucking right. The minivan bitches. Does successor to the original Multipla need an explanation? Look at it! Gave upon its rear engined magnificence and grovel!