Mom’s BMW X5 went it for repairs, and now THIS thing is in our possession…. I’m gonna touch all the settings in the holy Ford ipad.

So, this pill shaped thing is… an SUV. With an “Ecoboost” 2.0L i4. And awd. And it has a hatch!?

Fuck it, close enough, welcome back Focus RS.

Except no, who are we kidding with this stupid thing. Wanna know how it drives? I know you don’t, but I’m gonna tell you anyways.

It’s kinda fast. And pulls decently through second gear in “sport mode”. What does “sport mode” mean in a pill shaped crossover thing with no way to controlling gears yourself? Hell if I know honestly. I guess it holds gears. Actually, it doesn’t just hold gears, it lingers on them. You let off the gas but the revs are still pegged wherever you left them. And then there are the gauges. Spin your Ford Motor Company Rotary Gear Control Knob ®️ and watch in mild bemusement as a tach showing an uninspiring redline and oil temperature appear before your eyes.

The rest of the driving experience isn’t anything particularly note worthy. It’s just mediocre. Perfectly passable as some bloated mush to get your from A to B. I’m sure the engineering team did a fine job for what this is. But it makes me feel nothing from behind the wheel. Maybe with the right group of friends mixed with some late night escapades terrorizing suburbia in one last bout of undying immaturity the drive would make me feel something. But instead, I drove it alone, down those very well paved suburban roads this stupid thing was destined to mindlessly roam until the lease it up.

A drive for the sake of driving something new, another car to add to my list.

That’s the thing with so many of these modern SUVs and crossovers. There is nothing here. And there is nothing you couldn’t do with this that a Fusion/Mondeo wagon couldn’t have done, while having used less material, looked better, and driven better. You aren’t seeing over anyone when everyone drives a crossover or pickup. The roads in your middle class neighborhood aren’t so laden with potholes that you need the ground clearance that this doesn’t have. And amazingly, AWD isn’t exclusive to SUVs! Neither is trunk space!

I know these have been points thrown around since the damn 90’s, I’m not adding anything new to the debate. But I really want you to understand how much of a nothing, characterless, bland, design by corporate committee, unfeeling thing is this to drive. It’s funny, for a thing called the edge, it has very little of it. Save your time, go buy a Mazda or something, at least they look good inside and out.

But wait, you saw the pictures and you read the intro. The Ford ipad! The savior of our modern times!

“Shit, distract the consumer with screen-based bullshit!!” – a Ford employee, probably.

Did you know, that the F250 will never get independent front suspension because they think you’re too stupid of a consumer to accept positive change. And judging by this car, they also think your mental capacity is akin to a lobotomized fish. Some fuckward looked at Tesla’s center screen laden with fart buttons and video games and I N F I N I T E P O T E N T I A L and thought “now THATS what we need!”. And slapped some half baked version into the Edge. All while failing to realize the reason half of that crap works in a Model Y comes from having to waiting 20 to an hour for your car to charge. So you’ll need a distraction. Also, the type of person to be sold on all the funky gimmicks and features Tesla has thrown at their products isn’t cross shopping with a fucking Ford Edge!

But, all that aside, what can we do with the Fipad? Well apparently Google maps is integrated into it, which is cool. And you can download things onto it as well, at least in 2025 models. There is a voice recorder too. You can also draw on it! Saves up to three pictures at a time!

Behold: My Deviant Art Gallery:

I’m taking commissions at $40. $50 for NSFW pieces plus an extra $10 if your fetish makes me extra uncomfortable to draw. Dm me at MisShiftUpMyTailPipe_2001.

And would you believe it!? We got games on my car! Lots of them. None of them are particularly great. Most of them feature Ford products. Now, if you excuse me:

TOP 9 GAMES ON THE FORD EDGE!

That’s right fucks, welcome to the Ford Digital Experience. Everything is “an experience” now isn’t it? I can’t wait to mindlessly tap a screen in my car for ✨the experience✨. But I digress. Some poor interns worked their ass off to put this crap on here, and their efforts must not go in vain. So, let’s rank these:

9. Jigsaw Puzzles

Have you ever wanted to reconstruct high quality images of random Ford vehicles? These look like what Ford employees would get towards the end of the year after marketing has complied a bunch of the best photos they have to use as desktop screensavers. This “game”, like most of these, was kinda boring.

8. Blocks

You know those ads for mobile puzzle games that show a decreasing IQ in the corner, with some awful text to speech voiceover saying something like “MY BOYFRIEND GOT IT IN 2 TRIES, THAT IS 1000 IQ, HE BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE I CANT BET LEVEL 10, MY IQ IS COMPARABLE TO A NEWT”. It’s that. But clunky. Fill in the spaces with puzzle pieces in N tries.

7. Bridge Battles

Imagine connect four, however one player takes the X axis, and another takes the Y. I lost this one every time I tried, so out it spite it’s 7th.

6. Tiles

You know games like Candy Crush or Panda Pop? It’s like that, perfectly designed brain crack. But also not particularly inspiring.

5. Double Sum

My sister likes this game. You have to match two identical numbers to create the sum. Starts with the number 2, and continues to double. Would rank it better, but somehow its kinda clunky.

4. Parking Lot

This gets number four, because I played this exact game as a kid on my grandpa’s iPhone 2. The only difference is that every car is a Ford product.

3. Sudoku

It’s just Sudoku, I don’t think you can realistically fuck this up.

2. Lane Change

I’m ranking this as number two because it reminds me of those absurd mobile game ads, and I continue to find those funny. Also, it allows me to crash a Ford Edge into a Ford GT while attempting to overtake a Ford Bronco and Ford Mustang GT500.

1. Sketch App

Is this cheating? Probably, but I found myself getting greater and longer entertainment from this stupid thing than from any other feature on this car. That includes the driving experience. Not that the program is particularly great as a drawing app, but it is very entertaining.

Aaaand back to the car review:

Does any of this add to the ownership experience? Like, I get that this is all probably just a shared tech suite that makes more sense in the Mach E, but in this car, your average owner isn’t going to be using this crap more than maybe once. People don’t play games at red lights, not that the car allows you to unless it’s in park.

So, you have painfully mediocre games and gimmicks that you won’t use and your passengers can’t use. And your kids won’t use it, because there’s no rear screen and they’re either too young to sit up front or already way better with an ipad than you’ll ever be. Maps integration and CarPlay/AndroidAuto or whatever is a lot more useful but also not unique. Also, the menu is arranged such that all programs are apps. Which is certainly a choice.

So… how to conclude?

It’s a modern crossover – SUV thing. A turbo 4 connected for a usually alright auto, good enough comfort, some fine graphics, etc etc. It’s also still a Ford, so behind the blue gauges and diamond stitched seats lie rattling hard plastics and questionable material choices. And god is it yet another nothing vehicle.

Not everything has to be a performance car, despite my deepest desires. But this doesn’t even have a bad driving experience. It’s a bore, and then some dipshits tried to load it up full of misguided crap. I’m happy it’s being put to pasture so I can see these fade away.

People idolize great cars when they die. And bad cars will live on in infamy, with some even being redeemed in the afterlife. But boring cars, cars with no distinguishable driving character or… really anything character… get forgotten. All those engineering hours, all those days at proving grounds, late nights debugging code, arguments between stylists and aerodynamicists for that last bit of MPG… for an utterly forgettable product.

And they made an ST version, who’s marketing focused on interior trim colors. I’m sure that will be fondly looked at in twenty years.

Not every car has to be a Ford GT, but the name Focus and Fiesta will be remembered a lot longer than “Edge”.