From an abandoned prsion in the woods of PA the skinwalker presents:

I’m going to make the absurd case to you all wonderful consumers here, that Jaguar up until very recently and for the last decade was actually a good company, up until the recent all too public downfall of the British, wait American, perhaps even sometimes Chinese cat. Before you decry me as simply the village idiot, you gotta hear me out here, just trust me bro and read into the glorious Jaguar lore. This article will go into the good of Jag in its last decade, and then the places where they went wrong and collected the reputation

Angry schreeching monkey noises

Well well well, if I’m going to defend the honor of a dead brand and explain why they actually lost their momentum in the 80’s and 90’s, which caused a loss of reputation that permanently tarnished the brand, I will have to explain what made their 2000’s cars good, or at least competitive. Lets take for example the 2011 lineup, a lineup that I would say was one of their strong points. It was not an extensive lineup, but it was good. It included the Jaguar XJ (an S class/ 7 series competitor, but marketed as a more fun/budget option), the Jaguar XF (a 5 series competitor fired up on ZF transmissions and firebreathing supercharged Ford based V8’s) and the XK, a more upmarket but bellow 911 coupe that competes for space with the 6 series albiet at a more compact size and sportier outlook on the market. The thing is, despite all the jokes these cars were competitve. The XF’s interior was not as good as the germans but the driving dynamics were just as good if not better according to the reviwers who drove them. The XK and XKR models were a weird niche but they were competent, good to drive, and very fast. I’ve been in an XJ and will say its a very nice place to spend time, not up to par with the germans but the MSRP of it was 15-25k cheaper than its German rivals, so that makes up for the lack of interior, at least in my humble, skinwalker based opinion. One of the immediate attacks on the JAAAAAAAAAG will be the unreliability, and while yes, they were not ever reliable and plauged with minor issues, the Ford based powertrains were internally really good. Almost no major engine issues, absolutley not something BMW could say about its elritch horror levels of nightmare that the turbocharged N63 Hot-V V8 had, with at least half a dozen, very common, multiple thousand dollar internal engine flaws. Or mercedes could say about their 5.5 liter that popped head studs and timing chains in its first years. I stand by it: Jaguar was competitive in the approximate 2005-2020 era and no less relaible than the German cars it tried and failed to compete with on the market.

If I’m going to continue to defend Jaguar I also need to speak of their lineup much closer to their unholy kicking into the vast realm of dead automakers, I’ll need more than one lineup. So I will call in the help of the 2018 Jaguar lineup. Inlucidng the E-pace, the F-pace, (both suvs, think X3 for the F-pace, and think compact luxury SUV for the E pace), the Jaguar XF and sportier XF-S. Including the car entusiast theoretical lovechildm the XF-S wagooooooooon. The smaller, sporty 3 series competiton the XE, the beautiful F type and the, bizzare electric I pace. The XJ was no longer competitve and way out of date at this point, but still much cheaper than its competiton, closer to Genesis pricing and German pricing. The XE was compettive in base trim albiet with worse interiors and a somewhat questionable engine. But hey, it was once again multiple thousands cheaper than its C-class and 3 series compettion. The XF and XF-S were both wonderful, reviewers loved them and only complaiend about the tech being slightly behind (something car bros seldom care about regardless). The 380 hp supercharged V6 put into the XF-S was a gem, and not too unreliable according to the people who have owned them. Then we have the F-type, which is just an all around great car. Available with a manual, it was the last supercharged RWD sports car for sale in the united states. Not to mention its a beuatiful thing, people liked how it drove but its once again in the “nicer than a C7 but performs worse and not as nice or well performing as a 911”. And to make the deal even sweeter if you forgoe the third medal you can have a 550hp screaming supercharged V8. So there we go, thats how Jaguars were actually really not the worst cars, and actually were great to drive if you ignore the electrical issues. Well, now that we have heard about the good its time for the bad, because Jaguars sordid reputation of being horribly slow, out of date, and constantly being broken down. Well, here’s for the duds, the years and the cars that completely ruined the cats reputation.

The beautiful F-type R

Well now for the Jaguar duds, and well lets start with Jaguar’s “flagship” coupe, the glorious and infamously bad XJS. At no point was it relaible, fast, or even close to competitive. At the same time the XJS was getting shat out, the vastly better BMW 635csi cost the same money, while having more power and weighing well over 1000 lbs less than the XJS. Not to mention, fixable when they break. To make it even worse, the XJS was kept alive so long that it was also competitng with the *BMW 8 series* and the SL320-SL600. A wildly outmatched car known for being slower than cars 1/3rd of the price and known for not starting because of one of the worst fuel systems ever designed. Also catching on fire, to add more to the reputation. And for the XJ, man it could not have been more outmatched in the late 90’s. In the early ford days it was truly hopeless, 4 liter V8’s that ate valvetrains like a plus size influencer at golden corral, all to barely keep up with what bmw and mercedes, and now the new players, audi and lexus were offering. The early ford interiors were truly awful, they were badly built, and not very attractive. Not to mention the electrical isssues that never truly went away going all the way back to the leyland days. Jaguar stopped being competitive in the mid 80’s. Sure the mid 90’s supercharged inline 6 XJR was a gem but when they were new they more sold on “britishness” and charm rather than the competence of the top level German and Japanesse luxury cars. Plus it cost as much as the far more desirable 500E and BMW M5, which both cost 6 times as much as the venerable old jag in todays market. When Ford stepped in to save Jag, they took some classic american brand moves, such as the utterly horrific Jaguar X type, a rebadged ford with absolutley zero redeeming features. The S type was also an awful effort to get at the 5 series, but at least the R version with the supercharged 4.0 V8 is the cheapest way to get over 400 hp on all of marketplace reeehehhehehehheeeehehheee.

The approximate condition of most of the remaining XJS’s, a real staple of marketplace mistakes.

So there we have it, as the early early 00’s went away, the horrid X-type and the horrid S-type both made their ways into the graveyard of forgotten mediocre cars. The XF was a vast improvement, the 2010 XJL was an excellent effort at a cheaper full sized luxury car. But sadly the early low quality ford efforts had tarnished the british charm part of it, the older buyers no longer wanted the Jags because they didnt like the newcomers making their XJ’s less of a status symbol. As for the new buyers that they were trying to attract, they found a few of them. But unfortunatley in the luxury world reputation rules all, and Jaguar never had the reputation to compete, nor were they ever able to fully shake the relaibility issues that constantly were constantly plauging the reputation of the brand. And unlike lexus they didn’t have a revolution ready.

And now, Jag is pretty much dead, there’s a timeline where they became an EV leader maybe, who knows. There’s also a timeline where british leyland never happened and they truly got to fight the Germans. What will happen to Jaguar now? Well my guess is they will just sell a bunch of rebadged chinese EV’s, whatever Geely makes. I doubt they’ll ever gain much traction. Maybe some limited sales in the UK but outside of that I do not see the new rebadged chinese EV’s gaining any traction above a tiny amount of sales. Goodbye Jag, you now will join the big Saab in the sky, as another dead, weird, luxury brand.

Thank you to everyone who read this far.