“Let’s have do a Top Gear style public transit race!”

“Oh oh and let’s rent a car for it!”

“Yea yeah! And let’s make sure the contestants are clueless about the route!”

“Of course! And us in team car should use printed out instructions instead of a map!”

And it didn’t go too badly, for us in the Civic Type R.

Part 1. The Planning

This all stemmed from another late night conversation throwing bad ideas back and forth between two co-writers, occasional roommates, and unfortunate friends. The kind that revolve around doing Top Gear-esque shenanigans with a group of friends. Torturous road trips, “cheap” car challenges, racing your pilot friends, and planning inane road rallies. Then we lamented about how it’s gotten harder to find new cars to review since we both graduated.

So came the idea of finding a Turo rental. But what to do what someone else’s car?

Well, we can’t track it, we can’t afford to turn it into a mountain road trip, so fuck it, if three middle aged men plus Ben Collin could pull it off, then we would too! There’s an Amtrak station in downtown Kannapolis that supposedly drops you off in down town Charlotte. Supposedly.

Problem 1: the train doesn’t drop you off in downtown Charlotte.

Instead, it drops you off *almost* in downtown Charlotte. Near an industrial lot and a lot of homeless people. But no worries, there is a tram stop near by! Only… 40 minutes away by foot… epic.

So, city bus it is, however if the train is late, you miss the damn bus and there isn’t another one for like 40 minutes. But, after around 40 minutes between the train and bus, you end up downtown.

Problem 2: The car is faster?

According to GPS and estimates from Amtrak and the bus route, the car is supposed to arrive between 10 and 30 minutes ahead of team public transit. It isn’t the train that loses time, it’s the bus system.

So, we look a bit south of down town. Into the gentrified yuppie strip of development that is Charlotte’s “South End”, that conveniently has light rail stops in it. Epic, so let’s extend the trip, buy our buddies some train tickets and transit passes, and have them exchange from bus to tram.

Problem 3: The race still isn’t even

FUCK IT, NO HIGHWAYS THEN. HOW BADLY SET UP IS OUR PUBLIC TRANSPORT INFRASTRUCTURE?!? And team Civic doesn’t get to use a GPS either.

But since we couldn’t find an actual paper map, we just printed out a list of instructions and hopes for the best!

Problem 4: Florida man has never taken public transport outside of Disney World

Tough shit. He will learn. He has an Ohioan to help. Oh, and just for the funnies, we have gotten the two of them disposable cameras to document everything. So enjoy those pictures as they appear.

And with that, we had our route and our ruleset!

Part 2. The Routes

Team transit would set off on Amtrak’s Piedmont train direct to whatever is left of Charlotte’s station. Then, after around 10 minutes of waiting, board a city bus that would take you into downtown Charlotte, getting off at the Charlotte Transportation Center. From there, it’s a flight of stairs up to the blue line light rail. Take the tram a few stops into South End, after which it’s about a 5 minute walk to “The Trolly Bard Fermentory and Food Hall” for lunch.

Team Civic on the other hand, walks to the car as soon as team transit boards the Piedmont. From there, it’s mostly cutting through backroads and suburban sprawl as we cut our way through greater Charlotte and Concorde, making it a point to avoid highways. Then, we cut into down town Charlotte, having to battle urban chaos and traffic all the way to the end, where we didn’t know what the parking situation would look like.

Now, you might think that avoid highways, giving ourselves a navigation handicap, and having people who don’t know what the inside of a tram looks like heading into this is a bit unfair. However, uh, fuck you and your semantics, we wanted to have fun race.

Speaking of, the race:

Part 3. Team Civic Type R

We ran our asses from Kannapolis station the moment we saw team transit board their train. We jumped into the car, broke out our instructions, and immediately got lost.

Usually, one of us has no sense of direction while the other can’t give directions. But this time, we both couldn’t figure it out. So while the train blew its horn and set off, us two idiots drove in circles, literally in the case of a roundabout, for the first few minutes of that drive.

It wasn’t until the next 5-8 minutes that we finally got back on track. With the train headed south, we hunkered down as we went southwest, and began to prod at the car.

Torquesteer dominated the front of the car while powering out of the last roundabout we’d see on our route. There was a sense of tension in there air, knowing that time had been lost. Our route was purposely longer and our directions purposely obtuse. We knew if nothing else went wrong for the transit team they’d have the upper hand.

We shot past what remained of Stewart-Haas Racing as Kannapolis faded into Concord. We cut into the first of a few rural neighborhoods with stupidly named roads. This eventually led to a larger, faster road where the Type R could stretch its legs a little and hopefully claw back time.

The FL5 Type R builds decent boost past third gear, although you aren’t hitting near peak power until you’ve past 5000 rpm, and by then peak torque was 2000 rpm behind you. So even though the CTR is a modern car, you’ve still got to “work for it” a bit. Or, switch every setting into comfort and go numb with base Civic levels of acceleration.

Speaking of comfort mode, the steering was left in comfort for the entire drive, or else you’re left with unrealistically numb and heavy weight for a car with turn in as instant as a nuclear reaction.

Anyways, once past Concord airport, Ford Performance, and NASCAR’s engineering HQ, we settled into traffic as the road spastically switched from four lanes down to two and back again. Any reason? Maybe, but neither of us are traffic engineers so it might as well have been voodoo magic until the road decided it wanted to be a rural two lane highway again. Which you’d think is great until you’re stuck behind a minivan doing 10 under, and I’ll be damned if I cross the double yellow. At least the audio loop of Gran Turismo 6 lobby music won’t ever get old.

By the time the velocity-deficient traffic cleared, trees had been replaced with light industrial lots and gentrified factories turned food courts. In in the distance, the Charlotte skyline.

As density increased, the road narrowed and deteriorated, squeezed ever tighter against the railroad to our right. Quick maneuvering around a FlixBus was followed by the electronically controlled dampers making decent work of non-existent pavement. And from there, a straight shot into downtown Charlotte.

Over i85 we went, not knowing just how far behind we were compared to team transit. Our originally ETA got us there in a bit over an hour, but a glance at the clock showed us passing the marker while the Charlotte skyline was still in the horizon. Nevertheless, we persisted, now having to navigate the urban maze upon a hill.

Downtown was a labyrinth of gridded roads built on a large hill. Given that we hadn’t entered the city from the highway or some main road like the city planners had intended, we are instead unceremoniously dumped into the frantic urban landscape. The skyline that lingered in the horizon was now towered above our heads while we tried our damnedest not to screw up again.

Each turn we reset the trio odometer to make sure we had hit our mark. On point we snaked our way through city traffic, wheels spinning under aggressive stop light pulls. On point we where, until we hit a railroad crossing and noticed that our route was compromised: the road was closed. Then, to add insult to injury, we look past the stopped traffic to see the light rail’s tram gingerly pass on by.

Well shit.

All we needed to do was cross the tracks and turn right on that street! Then we’d have finished the damn race! SO DAMN CLOSE TO THE END FOR FUCKS SAKE WE AIN’T BUCKLING YET! So we hunkered down, took the first right at that intersection, then our first left.

And that’s when a map would’ve come in handy. Because we had just entered a maze of alley ways and apartment buildings. It seemed that every turn was a dead end and every street either housed a parked van or an impatient BMW 3-series. And after desperately meandering the ass-crack of whatever apartment complex we had gotten lost into, we finally found our way out, which conveniently lead to a street that crossed the train tracks and brought us neatly onto the road we needed to be on.

The drive to our destination from there wasn’t too challenging. While we couldn’t fully count the miles, we just needed to keep our eyes peeled for the turn in. And with our assholes tightened, we turned into a full parking lot and an impatient and reckless GLA driver putting on a show in front of us.

We drove through the parking lot, following signs that eventually would lead us through the backrooms and up into a parking garage, where we backed the Type R in using it’s honestly terrible camera and jumped out.

We rushed down the stairs, being shat out the side of some random building. To our right, somewhere, was the Trolleybarn, and presumably, two bemused engineers watching us come running in. And run we did, through employee parking and between buildings, we rushed our asses til we came to the entrance of the restaurant, overlooking the light rail line.

And waiting for us were… some unamused looking college girls gazing at the sight of a wheezing asthmatic and a mop of hair with eyes. Had we done it? We checked around the restaurant, we walked around the decks and walkways that formed this revitalized human-centric urban development for young career oriented professional, and there was no sign of team transit.

And after a quick phone call, we grabbed a snack:

And we walked. And we waited.

For an hour.

After being around an hour behind schedule already.

So… uh.. what the fuck happened? Let us hear from the transit boys to understand the prediciment.

Part 4. Team Transit

As previously stated, our group on team transit has never been on public transportation past the monorail at Disney. So, this was going to be some learning experience.

To start we find outselved nestled in downtown Kannapolis. We all walk into a small park at noon, under the gaze of a 1.5x scale Dale Earnhardt statue. In true B-roll Top Gear fashion, the southern curch bells ring for noon and our mission is revealed. Handed to us, adorned with the beautiful Mis-Shift logo is an orange envelope with our route and two disposable cameras. Our mission: take a train, to a bus, to a tram into downtown Charlotte (As well as understand how to use a disposable camera, as we are all too young to understand such ancient technology).

We get a tour of the Mis-Shifter’s vehicle, a fine Civic Type-R with a red interior. Impressed by its elegant modern Japanese design, we knew we had a challenge to beat them. The only thing we could hope is that they forgot how to read a map.

Continuing on to the Kannapolis Amtrak station where we get ready for the first leg: The Train. We all waited in anticipation for the train to arrive for a fair start, all of us excited to see a train having grown up on geotrax and Thomas the Tank Engine.

As the train comes into the station, the race begins. We board the passenger car and find it’s actually a nice place. Around the size of a plane inside and rows of two seats on either side. We take our seats and away we go.

I have to say I was impressed, the seats were clean and myself being over 6ft could spread my legs as far as I can before hitting the next seat. We had full outlets and everything too. It felt stylish and comfortable.

Our train ride continues at a good rate of speed. That’s when the cameras come out. I quickly realize we look like two snobby art school kids on some project. Unfortunately we forgot our tote bags. However, we commit to the bit and take some pictures of the trees going by and our professional portfolio from earlier. We research our next leg, the bus, but are a little confused as it says our bus isn’t for another 40 minutes (or possibly 6 pm) but we can’t tell.

We finally arrive at the Charlotte train station on the edge of town and get off the train. We’re kinda thrown in an industrial train yard as well, which looked pretty cool. 

Part 5. The Bus

We get into the train station and honestly I was impressed with how many people were getting on and off the train. I guess people really do ride the train outside of people like us idiots. Like the train, we now wait again for the bus at what is listed by the station as the “bus stop”.

Time goes by and right on time, the bus is coming down the road. We get ready to board, except it stops at the main road across the parking lot. Drops a single person off and leaves in about a minute flat. 

Well… I guess we were in the wrong spot, of course. So we look again online and it says the next bus is in 20 minutes we think. Or, it says 6 pm (which doesn’t make sense at the time). So, we wait some more, this time at the bus stop we saw earlier. Ohio man says we should just walk to stage 3 but myself wanted to use spirit of the race and still take the bus.

To buy some time, we wander around the road and see a dodgy mechanic shop littered with cars that honestly I don’t think will ever work again. The snap-on truck came too and we were tempted to by some time and check out some over priced tools, but we refrained.

We wait on our little bus stop bench like two idiots some more. Then it dawned on me…

That bus earlier went away from the city, not toward. Buses don’t really u-turn.

Of course the Ohio man kinda messed thought this earlier but I thought I knew better. So long story short we were at the right bus stop but the bus that was coming was really at 6 in like 4 hours.

So we walk to stage 3

Stage 2.5?: the walk.

We have about a mile and half walk into the city to reach the trams. About at this point the mis shifters call saying they made it where are we. Well I guess we lost as we are easily an hour away. But we continue our journey. 

We walk past some more dodgy mechanic shops. Littered with rusted engines besides cars and cars just piled into little yards.

We went under some bridges that smelt of shit and piss from the locals. We coined the name shit bridge for one of them. To be fair the bridges did look cool tho. 

Waved to the friendly homeless people who blessed us with a good day. Who, to be honest, I Florida man was afraid of at first. Back from where I’m from near Daytona beach, the France family hunts them for sport so the homeless are not a problem.

Biggest highlight was passing some sort of Indian wedding ceremony.

Something along the lines of a horse in the main road where the bride and groom rode. And a whole mob of people in some sort of head gear head to toe.

Types of things you can’t make up.

Stage 3: The “Tram”

We arrive at the bus depot marked in the map, which is where our original bus was supposed to drop us off. Well, now our expertise shifted to “which tram to get on” and which direction they went.

You’d think the red and blue line trains would be clearly marked in that color. No that makes too much sense for public transit planning.

So they are all just random colors.

So we wander and almost get on the wrong train to realize that the mishifters have in all documents that we’re getting on a tram.

Which you’d think would be the trains on the city streets like trams would be.

Nah it’s actually the light rail above us on a bridge.

Another attempt to set us back by the misshifters. Can’t trust these big time article writers 

Well, we hop on the train and guess we have to go in the right direction. 50/50 shot so we handled it with ease.

It was a pleasant little train complete with a faux steam engine horn which the Thomas the tank engine kid inside me loved.

And alas our stop!

We wander off the train to be greeted by the misshifters who by this point probably waited for us for about an hour. The race was lost and they got a beautiful picture of us amidst defeat.

And with that, we lost and our cameras depleted of film. Also word of advice: do not try disposable cameras! Far too expensive for the bit… thanks Walgreens.

Round one of the transportation race was over. Public transit failed us. As well as our ability to navigate bus routes and directions.

But we’ll study hard and prepare to beat the misshifters in round two. 

As some redneck NASCAR drivers probably said: we lost the battle but didn’t lose the war… or something.

Part 5. A Conclusion, Perchance?

So… that didn’t exactly go to plan. And in order to even attempt to make the race fair, some shenanigans had to be pulled. I’m not too surprised though, outside of rail, public transit isn’t necessarily quicker (until you factor in parking in some cases, but in the U.S. that isn’t always an issue). And unlike European systems, hell unlike NYC, Charlotte’s lacks integration, especially from the railroad. What’s the point of taking the train if it drops you off an hours walk from the city in the middle of an industrial zone? And that would be somewhat ok if there was a reliable connection, but once every 40 minutes seems like a joke. Then again, it’s not like you have trains showing up every ten minutes.

I could go on with the rants about the failings of US public transport, but there a people with more knowledge than I who can tackle the subject better.

What we can tell ya with good certainty, is that there will be another one. It will have even more modes of transport, maybe even a convoluted scavenger hunt. And it will have trains.

Choo Choo assholes