Drop WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING and get ready to mis-shift into YOUR asshole motherfucker! We have news! The American race team founder, Roger Penske, has announced today that his motorsports conglomerate will be embarking on a new challenge: manned lunar exploration. And yes, we are just as lost. So, lets turn straight to the horse’s swollen anus and get to the source of this shit.

“We at Team Penske have made it our goal to WIN all races!”, Mr. Roger Penske announced during a press conference, “And the new space race will be no different”. The crowd looked visibly confused, and yet he persisted. “We will show the world that Team Penske is not to be underestimated. We are winners! WE ALWAYS WIN. And we WILL win the new race to the moon”

Speaking to Team Penske’s head of marketing, we were told the following:

“Around two years ago, Mr. Penske came to us with the goal of ‘winning every race that exists’”, he told us, “And he meant every race. Motorsports, bikes, swimming, running, hell if it had the word ‘race’ in it, Roger wanted his name on top.

In order to have a decent shot at beating both the United States and China, Team Penske has set their sights on a 2027 unmanned landing followed by a manned landing in 2028. By their own account, the project is ambitious. However, by “utilizing the PenskePerfect ®️ mindset and engineering philosophy” they believe the task can be accomplished.

We also spoke to an aero engineer recently assigned to work on the Penske lunar program, who gave us more insight.

“I was working on analyzing CFD data when our department head called us in for an emergency meeting. And that’s when I found out that we’ve got to create an entire manned lunar program from scratch. I think half the aero team quit on the spot.”, he told us. “I used to think that if I ever left, at least I could find a job in aerospace. However, my Team Penske Non-Compete Claus®️ now prohibits me from that as well.”

We will update you on what exactly team Penske will be cooking up to get to the moon, but current rumors speculate that Team Penske has been in talks with Roscosmos to buy an unused lander from the Soviet Union’s failed manned lunar program.

Ad astra, you glorious bastards.