Yes it wound up on a tow truck. No it wasn’t its fault. Nor ours. Fuck you.

This car wasn’t really all that good but somehow it won us over.

It’s plagued with pretty shitty build quality, obtuse 2010’s screen based infotainment, a soggy towel of a chassis, and a powertrain that lacked enough *oomph* to move its lard ass up to the speed limit. And yet, even after it left our idiot hands on flatbed, we’re still left longing for that mass of British metal.

But why? I don’t really know. For every positive we could give it, there are 10 more flaws that would surface. And unlike the still incredibly flawed Aston Martin Rapide, there wasn’t a v12 and a surprisingly sublimely set up car to make up for all its faults.

Let’s start with that engine. The Jasaaag XJ has a 3.0L “AJ” V6 with a supercharger bolted on top for good measure. All that meticulous British engineering amounts to a mine bending 340 hp at 6500 RPM! And a whole 332 ft-lb of torque around 3200 RPM! To move all (supposedly) 3810 LB of British excellence down the road with lackluster pace.

Yeah, this thing was a bit of a disappointment in the performance front.

We had mixed expectations going in. One of us figured it would drive like a mildly annoyed Toyota Camry with the other, more optimistically, was expecting a bit of a punch in the back. Instead, you step on the gas and get a floundering powertrain until around 3000 RPM, at which the engine wakes up from a split second and you lurch forward with the illusion of speed. And then your fun is seemly over by around 4500-5000 RPM, when motor goes limp again.

I don’t know if with nearly 80,000 miles on the clock, this poor Jaaaaaag is in desperate need of a tune up and service, or if playing all your cards at 3200 RPM was a wise idea. But wait, we don’t need to speculate! Let’s look at a graph:

Right, so I know that’s from the XE not the XJ, but it’s the same engine. Look at the blue curves, those are factory numbers. The upper curve is torque, the lower is HP. And well, by the time you’ve attempted to hit peak power, you’ve lost a bit over 100 ft-lb of torque. And whatever is going pre-3200 RPM is nothing but wishful thinking. Either age or engine tuning (or both probably) meant that hitting peak torque was a like watching an elderly person struggle to get off the couch.

It felt like the motor sat there to ponder its own purpose while the car lurched forwards with the urgency of a bored bureaucrat on lunch break. It’s not smooth, it feels like the engine half cuts out, only to wake up really briefly and remember it’s a Jaaaaaag. Don’t confuse this with now being quick though. It just moved with a bit more urgency. Honestly, the power-band is completely fucking obtuse, and you shouldn’t bother going past 5000 RPM. 6800 RPM is an example of the folly of man and his hubris. Oh and it doesn’t sound great either. You hear a little bit of supercharger whine like a sick joke playing over the sound of an uneasy v6 fucking a vacuum cleaner.

Anyways, the powertrain was pretty ass. It has a ZF 8 speed though, so no complaints there. Maybe some corners will cure this thing’s curse of an unfortunate engine?

Aright, so a behemoth on the strip this is not. “But hey” you say, “it’s a Jaaaaaag, let’s take it through some corners! It even has a little button with a checkered flag on it, I’m sure that’ll help it handle like a Lotus!” I’m not sure why you would make such an asinine statement about a goddamn bloated luxury saloon car, however there is some good to be found. Most of it is contained within the steering rack, which when in sport mode, does a surprisingly great job at communicating from the road to the hands. You can legitimately feel the bumps and cracks in the road, which helps a lot when flying around country roads doing 80MPH+. Don’t get that statement confused with a claim of good handling, because handle it doesn’t. It wafts (even in sport) and wanders around, threatening to let the front tires slip into understeer at any second. But again, it communicates that feeling through the wheel! So at least you can feel the car doesn’t want to corner! Why did we enjoy this again…

The ride also wasn’t much to brag about. In long, smooth, winding roads, this car works perfectly. It soaks up high speed driving on good roads and keeps you well isolated and comfy.

But the moment it has to deal with any sort of maneuver and/or rough pavement, this thing starts to fall apart. It ungulates and oscillates over dumps, not fully settling until you’re well past the road imperfection. It drives like a dingy in a typhoon, and you’re along for the jiggle session. The car feels unsure about taking a corner, with too much roll and not enough of the car actually settling down. The sport button does jack for shit other than applying a bandaid to a stab wound. You gain a bit more confidence and the car stops rolling as much, but rough pavement now only makes things worse.

I’m almost certain that a part of the problem lies with its, shall we say, “alternative brand tires” that were found to be worn through the chords at the front (a post flat tire inspection eek right there), as well as bushings and dampers that have lived 80000 miles of rental abuse. But the chassis itself is also to blame, lacking enough rigidity to make this thing really shine. Must be made outta structural soggy noodles.

And this was supposed to go up against the S-Class? I’ve driven a 2015 S550, and have spent enough time in each seat to recommend you heated massage #2 as my choice. One day we may publish a review on that car, but all you need to know is this: as a luxury car it blows the poor Brit out of the water like a ship hitting a mine. Granted, this XJ started at $74,000 and a similar year S Class started past $90,000, and it shows. The build quality of the Merc is nearly flawless, the tech still feels and looks up to date, the massages you get are stronger, the seats support you side chub better, and the S Class will still eat up corners with a surprising amount of poise and control. It’s a better car, but it damn well should be. What the Jaaaaaag lacks in being a good S Class competitor by rational metrics, it punches back with the irrational. To my eyes, it looks better inside and out. There’s something about the way the XJ looks that just screams “I’M IMPORTANT AND I’M EVIL”. But like, owns a nuclear submarine evil. And it just looks so damn good. So does the interior, mostly. And this car makes you feel important in the way the S Class can’t. The Merc makes you feel like the Hollywood elite, while this car probably has a button hidden for that aforementioned nuclear submarine. But more on that in a bit.

Let’s get on with the interior of this thing.

The inside of the S Class is nice, for sure. But man, the Jaaaaag just hits different. Perhaps it’s the art snobs in us, but we really do enjoy the stylistic choices that can be found all throughout the cabin. Keep in mind, I did NOT say the build quality was great, because it isn’t. I did NOT say the infotainment and technology are ahead of its time. HOWEVER, none of those setback make this feel any worse (somehow). Sitting in the thrones of the XJ feels like buisness class of a cross-Atlantic commercial jet. It’s nice, not first class but not economy either. Something else that feels like it’s straight from the runway of MCO is the infotainment system. How does it feel to be overwhelmed with endless options, covering every inch of the screen real estate? Frustrating. There is so much useless garbage that is either entirely unnecessary or very outdated. Examples include, but are not limited to:

• A list of every available amenity for the upcoming three exits while on the highway, that updates every single exit.
• Countless rectangles with gobs of useless information about shit no one cares about. What am I going to do knowing my phone carrier is Verizon, and why the hell is it on the home screen??
• I love the massaging seats, but why the hell does it randomly start again after 40 minutes of being off (in the drivers seat)?
• Countless annoying and buggy moments that are too plentiful to even list.

I understand it’s aging, but this shit aged like milk forgotten in Death Valley. Despite even this, the most obtuse touchscreen to be found, being in the XJ is STILL somehow great.

The headliner: Alcantara. Why? Who cares? The seats: heated, cooled all around, and the front two are massaging. Double sunroofs, and to top it off a design language that just makes sense. Lines that don’t terminate, curves that blend effortlessly, like the hips of a fat girl. Everything just looks great. The vents feel high quality and airline-esk. Back when flying British meant something. The seats themselves are just plain comfy, yet they hug you in all the right places.

The interior offers this well styled slab of British metal a chance to redeem itself after driving like an underpowered soggy napkin.

After all this, I still don’t know why we liked it. Objectively, it’s not a particularly great car and handily outclassed by a 5-series in most metrics. That powertrain is a disservice to the Jaguar name, handling leaves “much to be desired”, it acts like a boat in a storm over bumps, the fit and finish can be pretty bad, and the UI seemed dated back in 2014, let alone 2025. But god damn it I liked it. I like looking at it, I like sitting in it, and I like driving around in it. This car makes me feel like I’m currently wanted by Interpol for smuggling a weapons from Russia to somewhere in North Africa and I’ll be damned if Mr. Bond stops me. It makes me feel fucking awesome behold the wheel. Like I’ve just gotten away with an art heist and it’s time to now revel in the success, sipping champagne with the Mona Lisa from my party room in an ex-Soviet nuclear submarine.

It’s not a great car, and with 80,000 miles I don’t know if I could in good faith recommend one even at nearly $10,000. But I’d still want it in my driveway, preferably with a v8 and different chassis tuning. Because it deserves to drive and sound as good as it looks and makes me feel.