The what? What’s the “Automotive Testing Expo”? Well that’s what I’m here to tell you fuckers.

Put yourself in my shoes: A fresh-faced, excited and new automotive testing engineer, hot of the heels of grabbing his first actual engineering job. What’s this? Work trip to Michigan? Count me in! Little did I know what I was actually in for.

The “Automotive Testing Expo” sounds fairly niche, and that assumption would be correct. It’s so niche that it’s partenered with another expo, the “Automotive Interiors Expo”. We’ll get to that one later, but right now it’s time to take a look inside the pale 4 walls of the Novi, Michigan expo center.

Part 1: Testing Expo

Let us begin with was WAS there, because it wasn’t a lot. The main stars of the attraction were the sheer amount of crash dummies. We had every kind you could think of: full size, baby size, toddler size, toddler on toy, full size on bike, walking and many more. At times there were probably more crash dummies in the building than real, living dummies, but that’s just me speculating. Enjoy this gallery of the selection of fine china they had to offer.

Boy was it fun sampling all the false human beings around, but what else was there? Maybe some name brands, perhaps a interactive display of some sorts. So many options, but really what automotive show would be complete without some cars to show off! Prepare yourselves for the most mis-matched selection of vehicles ever to grace an expo floor.

Firstly, we’ve got a SHERPA all-terrain vehicle definitely cool, no doubt. It drew plenty of attention, but it also had nothing to do with what it was advertising at all. I give it a ok 6.8/10.

Secondly, we have this track-prepped E92 BMW M3. Now we’re talking! It seems to have all the track goodies, aero, cage, wide wheels and more. There’s just one thing they forgot to add with it: advertisement. It sits alone, barely in a booth and without any relation to whatever was being sold next door. What was it doing here? Did the owner just leave it here? 7.1/10, take it or leave it.

Who couldn’t love a Pontiac Solstice! The boomer wagon, compared to the other two, was displayed prominently and proudly showcasing many different products in this booth. If you took a look at this picture and guessed the old man with the flat brim cap owned it, you’d be correct. Naturally, it has freakishly low miles (<15,000), automatic and he was very careful with who he’d let sit inside. 5.6/10, points for dedication but at the end of the day it’s just a Solstice.

Part 2: Automotive Interior Expo

Little did we know, there was an entirely other side of this show. Something interesting, something new, something Chinese… Yes, it’s the automotive interior expo taking up the other half of the event space, and fuck you if you don’t think I’ll wander my ass over there along with tens of other drunk engineers.

Starting off with this insane looking stitching machine(?), I think it’s called a sewing machine but it looks more like a failed 3D printer startup from 8 years ago. Either way, it was doing something and had flashing red lights on it. 4.2/10, confusing and scary.

Next up are these guys with seemingly carefully selected 5 pieces of plastic to display for their ENTIRE BOOTH, wow such injection molding! Only the best from Welson WELSON GROUP. 6.8/10.

Oh my, these guys have a dashboard! No people though, purely devoid of human life at the ascorium i n d u s t r i e s booth. I wonder what car that dash fits, not to mention the black plastic rectangle on an art easel in the back. Riveting, and totally worth a cool 5.5/10.

I didn’t think we could top it, but this must be the big brother to those ascorium chumps in the previous half-assed paragraph. Why? They have people AND a dashboard! I genuinely never thought we could make it, but here we are. Boy does it feel good, especially when I’m wiggling my toes in the fake grass Westlake Global Compounds™ have provided. Very solid, very very solid and worth 8.67/10.

I needed to be very sneaky with this one, consider it a spy shot. If you look closely, this unnamed vehicle has quite the intriguing interior design. Let’s explore, shall we? First thing of note is the lack of dashboard, just nothing there! What’s in place of it? A TV! Going from the floor to the bottom of the windshield, perfect to throw up the big game while you’re booking it down i4. Finally, the main center piece is this absurd, alien-looking steering (?) wheel (?) that you do something with? I’m really not sure, but I think it’s some sort of NASA government project so keep it hush hush. 10/10.

Well, that’s it. Hope you enjoyed visiting the Automotive Testing Expo, nobody else did (until the drinks started flowing). Hope I never go back.