Fuck me.

It’s almost 12 am, I’m spending a night in Tampa after watching two endurance races at Sebring before having to drive cross state to Daytona, and I can’t sleep. Tighten your assholes and throw out some brain cells, I’m gonna ramble about some Nissans.

Wow another dipshit that’s gonna shit on the Nissan Altima? I take it you like to push over three legged horses as well?

First off, I’m gonna do more than just shit on it. I’m gonna piss on it too. Second, the glue from the 3 legged ones tastes better. Let’s get stared.

Nissan Altimas. You’ve probably been cut off by one. Maybe you’ve been hit by one. You’ve most definitely sat back in awe of the shear stupidity of one. Most people reading this will have some sorta opinion on them, and I think an exceedingly small percentage will have a positive one. Let’s start there.

Are we gonna address the glue thing?

One of my old roommates once argued with me that the Nissan Altima 3.5 is a sports car. A 2.5/2.3L z3 will out perform that pathetic excuse for a “sports car” in every aspect that will matter for performance. Hell I think a 90’s capri XR2 will beat the 3.5 Altima in everything that matters bar acceleration. My friend aside, do people actually look at the 3.5 and think it’s a performance car?

The specs the engine produces seem somewhat promising, but then the actual performance figures of the car next to them are so underwhelming it’s not even worth the laugh.

A TRD Camry is more respectable than this, and don’t get me started on the “advanced aerodynamics” that car has. A WRX with less power and torque goes much farther, granted it’s an objectively worse commuter than a TRD Camry, but will still be a better performance car. You’re lying to yourself if you think otherwise.

What was I on about again? Altimas? Jesus just take me now.

I know half the owners probably think they’ve just bought a fucking supercar with how I’ve seen people try and drive them. If I see one behind me, I just give up by now because I’m not sure they’ll have insurance to cover buying a type RA after the inevitable accident happens. If you thought you’re lying to yourself about the sporting pedigree of the Camry, then you probably forgot your morning meds if you even consider a maxed out Altima in the same category.

And the quality of the drivers is universal. It cares little about race, gender, age, or mental capacity. The Altima lures people in like an anglerfish then shits out cookie cutter trash at the other end with almost industrial like efficiently, and very few people scrape by that process un-noticed by quality control.

That seems a little harsh.

Yes and? Not only am I biased, and extremely biased. A c4 corvette has redeemable qualities. I don’t know why you’d buy one of these vs getting a used Mazda 6 or Camry.

I mean it’s a cheap new ca-

Shut up you worthless consumer before I twist your vocal chords into a shape that like a protein. You’re just feeding the machine you so desperately claim to fight against.

Communist

You wish. Anyways, something something Nissan Altima. I get the allure of a new car, but if a Nissan Altima is really what you’re set on dropping your hard earned monies on, you should consider not lying to your therapist.

It’s the same feeling I have with 3rd gen MR2s, like they just rolled off the production line with faded headlights. Except with Altimas it’s a rusted roof and plenty of “battle scars”.

You know I actually find Altima sightings interesting. Each Altima is in its own unique state of decay.

Have you even driven one?

Yes 🙂

So I once had to park one in my driveway. It felt like being in a car that was meant to be idiot proof. About a million things beeped at me, from service warnings to a fleet of misc sensors around the car all screaming about its surroundings. I left that car feeling like I’ve lost a few brain cells, and would like to live in the empty minded bliss of whoever owners that car.

That’s hardly a drive…

I drove my ex-girlfriend’s 2016 Altima!

This is starting to make sense now.

Silence. I had to pretend that a Nissan Altima was an acceptable mode of transportation for like two years. Now I can get back to hating the awful things! I think her’s was a 2.5? The seats were trimmed like a bus, the plastics had a smell, the transmission reassured me it would fail when most inconvenient, it didn’t accelerate, and as for steering feedback, you’re better off using your imagination. It’s as forgettable as it is mediocre (that’s being generous).

Not surprising.

A compass trail hawk is a crappy car, but it’s honestly harmless and the interior is fine. A c4 vette might have many questionable engineering and design choices and have a pathetically cheap interior, but they handle fine and have a fun v8 for you to play with. A Nissan March at least let’s you rev the engine out and has a cute little plastic face on an otherwise barebones econoblob. A Renault Oroch rhymes with “Crotch” and has a bed, so my immature brain is satisfied.

What did that Altima provide me that was redeemable? I got a few rides in it I guess but I often insisted I just use my cars instead. Cheap? Yea. It’s cheap. I can’t fault you there. You’ll get a decent amount of car for what you’ll shell out. Doesn’t mean it’s a good deal. You can find far more reliable, interesting, characterful, economical, stylish, and/or faster contemporary cars from the past 5 to 10 years that could make you infinitely more happy.

If you love these things, more power to you. I’m sure I’ve just pissed you off. I’m aware that automotive stereotypes don’t really mean jackshit to the wider population of owners, I come from two bad owners groups myself. but after having driven and been around one, I just don’t see it. There are so many better used cars to me.

Rant over, I’m gonna go to bed. Feel free to address your complaints to me. I’ll read them. I also won’t really care much to be honest with y’all.

From MSIMA with love :3