Oh Alfa Romeo. Revered by petrol heads the world across for like 10 top trim variants of road cars, all the race cars, and then letting the rest just kinda slide. Because who wants to think about a base 90’s spider or diesel Mito, when we have cars like the 33 Stradale or original Gulia or GTV or 4c to oodle over.

The style, the engines, that grille… it’s a car that flows with Italian performance, design, and luxury. A brand that goes toe-to-toe with the best from BMW. Driving perfection? Sure but can your BMW s52 sound like a Busso?

At least, for us Americans, having been deprived for Alfa magic since the 90’s (8c and 4c aside), that’s the perception. The Italian BMW, the baby Ferrari, rolling works of art in sedan and roadster form. But much like their German counterpart, while the US sees them solely for their sport-luxury prowess, on the other side of the pond… you get things like this:

All of this to say, we had certain expectations going into the Gulia. And while we knew it wasn’t the holy grail v6, we didn’t exactly know what the mid-level, let alone any Alfa, had in store.

Boy, was that mediocre.

I would have NEVER thought “mediocre” is an adjective I’d be using to describe an Alfa, but that was the first thing that hit me behind the wheel. Looking at the interior with purely your eyes, it seems nice. Comfy, luxurious, and upscale. The colored accents, leather everywhere, some different fancy looking materials. Everything looks right, until ass is put into chair and hands touch leather. For example, the door cards.

Visually, there’re lovely. Then your grubby hands start looking around. The “red leather” feels like a toy, the door itself feels like a Toyota, and whatever that back surround thing is feels like someone made it using a shitty 3d printer.

And it’s not like that crap isn’t liberally applied through the entire cabin. And then again, from afar, damn is this hot. It speaks to me on a level that only an Italian with a pen can. Then you realize the dash is squishy, the crappy 3d printed feeling plastic is on the dash and center console, the touchscreen is tiny, the leather feels like mounded plastic, the fake iDrive beep boop selector stick feels like a knockoff iDrive stick, and the holder for the key comes out with the key – wait what now.

Alfa quality. Look, as a design study, I’d want this in my driveway immediately, but as a 3-series alternative, I’ll take my Bavarian beer and go home. And that’s not even the worst part. Take a look at this:

They can’t even code the damn thing right. For context, /n would mean new line. Guess that one slipped by QC…

And it’s not like the driving experience is anything special. For a car with a 2.0L turbo four, it makes a respectable 280hp to all four wheels, but damn it you don’t notice.

5.5s 0-60 isn’t slow for what’s supposed to be: a vaguely sporty vaguely luxury sedan, but a new WRX or 3 Series at least feels fast with similar numbers.

And this engine is just kinda there. A 2.0L inline four with a turbo that fades into an ocean of generic power plants. No waste hate noises or high revving scream. Just your standard 2024 “an engine” vague vacuum noise you’ve been brainwashed by gran turismo into thinking is acceptable.

The only time you get any sensation of speed is if you build boost and launch the car, then, for a brief second, the half backed promised of an Italian sports sedan are seductively whispered into your ear. But like that fantasy of getting whisked away to Tuscany with your imaginary Italian lover, it’s one and done in a few seconds, then the boring reality of what this car is comes back to ruin your fun.

It also understeers a bit and isn’t really that exceptional around the few turns we took. Doesn’t break much better than any other vaguely sporty car either. It’s not hopeless, just not special.

But then you park. And you get out. And like.. look at this thing:

No really, look at it.

The inside too, just remember to not get close.

A bmw 330i is a better car. Hell, I’d argue it’s vacuum sounding 2.0L turbo i4 has slightly more character than this Alfa’s vacuum sounding, while being down 30hp (and somehow the xdrive is 0.1s quicker). Hell it’s a sharp car, better interior, and side by side the same price new.

But look at this damn Alfa.

Some cars you need to drive to feel special, other you just need to sit in. With an Alfa, you just need to look at one.