By Backlicker

Typically, we bring you stories of true automotive underdogs, funny characters, and wretched machinations. These are the unsung heroes of the automotive world. Today, we bring you the villains. The cars here are omens of misfortune, bringing pain and suffering of all kinds to the innocent.

10. Dodge Viper

This is not a conventional villain, but the rival. This is the automotive Sasuke Uchiha, a V10 Gary Oak. It came from the same lowly origins as the protagonist and shares the same goals but is just a bit better in every way. Sure, out hero will come out in the end, but not until after many battles and many more lessons learned.

9. BMW 850i

You didn’t honestly think that loan shark operated independently? What did you think was going to happen when you didn’t pay him back? Now you’ve been stuffed into the surprisingly comfortable trunk of an 850i, on your way to choose between which of your kneecaps you want to keep. I suggest the right one.

8. Aston Martin Rapide

After a long day of martinis and socializing, sometimes you just need to step away and drive. Of course, in the business, sometimes you need to take your clients out to lunch. Now anything less than an Aston Martin would just be too informal for your work, so you need that too. When you’re in the business of raising prices on children’s cancer treatments, you cannot settle for anything less than a Rapide.

7. Donkey Van

To understand the evil that is the Donkey Van, you must experience it in person. Our review makes it seem that it is a mere unreliable Honda Odyssey, but it is far worse than that. The mere sight of this car should strike fear in anyone that sees it. Does it handle well? No. Does it handle at all? Possibly not. Does it have oil in it? Yes, very much yes. Is it in the engine? Nope. In the trunk of this horrific abomination there is often enough loose oil to recreate the deepwater horizon. This abhorrent creature may look like a cheap daily driver, but it has brought nothing but pain and misery to its owner. Its greatest crime shall be being sold as a functional vehicle to some unsuspecting innocent, unaware that they have just purchased a bomb.

6. Panoz LMP-1 Roadster-S

This is a car for winners. That young upstart with their homemade racecar cannot beat you. Sure, they’ve been getting close, even beating you that one time when your car broke. But you’re back, and with a better car than ever. Is it class legal? Everything is legal for the right price. Are you going to sabotage that rookie’s car? Yeah, you’ve done worse to get here.

5. Toyota Century

If you’re seeing a black Toyota Century, you should have taken you debts more seriously. They don’t drive BMWs, this loan shark couldn’t possibly be affiliated with organized crime you said. Now, you just had a sit down with David Lo Pan, a local shipping magnate who also just so happens to be a red pole in a local triad. This would all be avoided if you just went to a therapist for your gambling addiction instead of a loan shark.

4. IROC Camaro

Do you love playing football? Have you been running back for your high school’s team for the past 7 years? Are you a big tough man, ready to prove just how tough you are anytime, anywhere? This is the car for you. New enough to remind people your still young. Classic enough to tell people you are a real American man. And cheap enough that you can afford it working for your dad’s construction company during the summer.

3. Dale 1

Have you been on the run from the police for nearly a decade? Are you running out of cash? Then I have the opportunity for you! All you need to do is get some engineers to design you the cheapest car possible, make some prototypes, generate hype for your IPO, then next stop: a tropical Paradise. Just make sure wherever you go have extradition laws in your favor.

2. Mercedes SSK

Early twentieth century German aristocrat? Last few years have been rough politically and you need someone to blame? I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.

Honorable Mention: Mazda Miata

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1.   Chevrolet Silverado Z71

Truly the worst menace of the automotive world. There is no circumstance where you would want to see one of these. A normal Silverado is but a mere work truck, but the Z71 costs just a bit too much to be that. The native habitat of these is taking up too much space in a parking lot, or plowing down pedestrians that just jumped out in front of them. Or with their high beams on 3 feet from your rear bumper.