Our very own MSIMA pimp and hoarder of mainly old Mercedes Benzs had a moment of realization: “the only car I own from the current millennia is currently a 6000lb British lawn ornament”. Now armed with this knowledge and the rising cost of gas compared to the up keep of a 1988 w126 420 SEL, he decided he needed to daily something more efficient. Unfortunately, all his other cars at the time were also v8 w126’s, an s52 swapped e30, or not working. So, keeping in the theme of “Mercedes or no ladies”, he went and bought this! A 2015 CLS400! Now, he could get a whole 20 mpg! Oh the waltz of progress!

This car started at $70,000 back in 2015. That’s around $91,000 in 2024 inflate-o-bucks. He actually paid like, $21,000 for it. I want you to keep those three numbers in mind as we continue.

So, what is a “CLS”? You know that whole stupid “4-door coupe” crap? This car is to blame for its resurgence. It sits somewhere above an E-Class, and it technically an E-class, but smaller and “sportier”. And that’s where my issues begin. Yea look I’m just diving right into complaints with this one.

Who is this car for? I’m not sure a US market E-Class owner is that worried about size. Come to think about it, neither is a German one, because if you can afford one of these, you also probably have a fully loaded A-class or Brabus SmartforTwo next to it if you need to drive in the city. But apparently they sold well overseas. So who is this for? Someone too intimidated by the E Class? Someone who “understands and respects the idea of the E-Class coupe but doesn’t agree with its particular world view”? Half sender.

Actually, you know what’s the best part? The wheelbase isn’t any smaller than the regular E class, and yet it’s 100mm longer than the full sedan… yea look me neither.

If you wanted better fuel economy, there’s a diesel Mercedes C, E, and S class out there. And if you wanted actual performance, a 330 hp automatic luxury oriented car that weighs around 4200 lb isn’t really it, is it? But wait, you saw that badge back there, this is AWD! So, 0-60 in 5.1 seconds from a standstill. Not bad, especially given that this is not a sports car.

Sure, it makes the right numbers on paper. And probably meets whatever Car and Driver actually tested on pavement. But god do I not care, and neither does it. There are fast cars that can feel a bit indifferent to speed. They kinda look back at you and go “lol chump, you call speed? Go harder or don’t waste my time.” This isn’t like that. It just looks at you when thrown “performance driving” (whatever that means in Florida) and rolls its eyes. The CLS handles, it accelerates, and it (sometimes) brakes well, but this car doesn’t care nor does it really want you to engage in such immature behavior.

Give a monkey enough food and it’ll keep doing tricks, pay enough money for a luxury car and it will perform for you. But the car, nor I, care what the 0-60 is, how much power this thing makes (330 both is and isn’t all that much), nor what it’s skid pad numbers are (0.94 btw, not bad). This is a CLS, an awd E-class with a funky roofline and smaller rear doors. It’s a luxury car, and you notice that the moment you get in and drive.

The CLS hits its numbers for the same reason that an S Class is fast: I payed this much, it better fucking move. It needs to handle fine, it needs to accelerate fine, and the way it moves shows some competency, probably better than it has any right to. But that’s not the point of a car lathered in white leather, sound deadening material, and that can be optioned with air-conditioned massaging seats. It preforms because it needs to, that’s part of what luxury is, especially at this price. It has to do a little of everything, and do most of those things well.

So, if you take the notion of “this is the sporty but still economically-responsible choice (it’s not exactly that economical either)” and throw it in the incinerator next to the owner comparing it to a STI, whats left? Well, a damn nice ride. It’s an E Class with essentially the passenger cabin shifted back and less rear room, not that you’ll notice from the front. And you can load it with goodies from the S class to really be baller (which you should). You can sit in either front seat, set them to cool your ass, blast music, and cruise over to dinner. All the while, most of the noise from the uncouth outside world are filtered out.

You enter and immediately feel like the car should be expensive. The white leather, the nice materials, the Mercedes Benz “looks like chase bank ATM machine graphics” screens, everything works well to make you feel comfortable, serious, and “above average”. Driving around, you’re in a bubble of leather and squish, isolated from the heat and humidity, oblivious to nothing but the loudest of straight-piped Hondas. You can adjust the bolstering electronically, and the headrest manually using NECK-PRO:

I’m becoming a sucker for good seats, and after optimizing my ass support and necking professionally, you can tell the car to freeze your ass and lower back, which to me is still witchcraft. And you can get ones that massage your weary spine (having been in said S class seats, I approve whole heartedly). It’s a shame this car isn’t a modern car, or else it’d probably drive itself to let me get on with the task of being brain dead and comfortable enough to sleep in. The rear seats, although comfy, don’t really offer anything that notable and lack both head and legroom compared to a regular E class. But hey, you wanted both a sporty coupe roofline and 4 doors. There’s your cake, best start eating it, peasant.

The CLS rides comfortably too. Soft enough to cushion your developing skull to sleep while still allowing for a fairly composed car around a fast turn, able to rely on its seemingly oversized rubber (255F/285R, WHY?) through a turn. Then, on corner exit you can get on the gas and let the AWD system do its thing. It’s not any leading example of “world class suspension tuning”, but it’s far from sloppy. You just won’t be feeling much of the road or the front end as the driver. The transmission isn’t all the great, there’s noticeably lag when shifting manually. But then what are you doing trying to shift this car yourself? Stop that! Go cool your seats, set the mood lighting to “calming blue”, and play instrumental covers of 2017’s pop hits until your blood pressure stabilizes. Oh, and brakes aren’t fully up to the task of slowing this large car down it the kind of reassuring manner you’d expect from a car this expensive.

What else is there to say about this thing?

The rear cup holders in the center arm rest double as a good distraction for children and adults with squirrel brains (so most of us born after 1999). Oh, and the spare tire was such an afterthought in this “$90,000 (adjusted for inflation) luxury “4-door coupe” that they just gave it to you in a bag when optioning upgraded speakers:

Uh… this body line is kinda odd ain’t it:

That’s really it. It’s a perfectly fine luxury car with a bit of performance lurking within its brain. Should you buy a used v6 CLS and boost it to 500 hp? God no. Should you buy one at all? Ehhh, at $21,000 it’s a fine deal. But not my choice when for a bit more you could grab a Cayman, well spec’d BMW 3 series, or for a bit less, an ND Miata.