After months of persistent emails and phone calls that have gotten us yet another restraining order on a South Florida car dealer, we’ve finally managed to get our “operatives” (some dude on discord) to “infiltrate Mercedes Benz USA” (dig through their trash) and “inform us on upcoming products” (send us low quality photos). And boy, did he provide.

Served hot from the anus of automotive news, Mercedes Benz will be introducing a slew of new features to their next generation S-Class. From a heads up display for rear passengers to finally cracking the touch screen seats, many juicy details have been uncovered. None so juicy as the “Elite Executive Seats”. Aside from new gesture controls for seat movements and a micro channels in the seat fibers for air conditioner, these top of the line seats also include a prostate massager.

“This is a feature our older clientele have been requesting for years”, says Mercedes Benz interior design boss Gorden Wagener. “We’ve reached the point where we can package the seat cooling, back and lumbar massagers, and the prostate massaging and examination device. It’s a marvel.”

An unnamed engineer on the team had more details on the system: “integrating this one of a kind self-care feature into the S-Class platform has been a project we’re all truly passionate about. Our team has really been putting in the hours testing and benchmarking this system to ensure peak optimization of its operation. The massage cycle can be accessed through the MBUX infotainment system, or on an independent control screen for rear passengers. Many see S-Class as a platform for the pleasure of the passenger over the driver, and I think our work is really highlighting that consideration in this new generation.”

We had the special opportunity to be taken behind a secret door beneath our local Mercedes-Benz dealer to trial out this new piece of modern age tech, and boy was it something! It was the most stimulating experience we’ve ever had sitting in the seat of a car. Excitement isn’t enough to even begin to describe it, Mercedes has truly outdone themselves this time.

Keep an eye out for this “secret option” on 2025 S-Classes, it’s sure to be a hit!