“That’s not a Buick!” Said the agricultural minister. His family hasn’t heard from him since.

Due to Buicks recent marketing efforts, pure confusion has swept through the communist party, struggling to identify the poorly built American automobile. “I could have sworn it was a Buick, but upon closer inspection, it was my wife’s sister!” Said a Chinese government official who requested to remain anonymous. The new Buick Encore comes equipped with a built in talking hologram for Chinese officials to communicate with the public as they cruise through the rice fields.

We contacted Buick North America for comment, and here’s what they had to say: “We have no idea what you’re talking about, please stop emailing us.” Reading between the lines, we can deduce the following: Buick is up to something, Buick management is communist, it may not even be a Buick at all!

A deep rooted conspiracy has been uncovered by our investigative journalists after talking to Buick. Their infiltration into the Chinese market was, in-fact, an attempt at a second communist change in response to the nation “betraying their communist values”. This then led to Buick causing the 2008 recession as a means of securing U.S. government funding to ensure the longevity of their plan and the expense of sister companies Saturn, Hummer, and Pontiac. The final part of their plan, has invoked a major redesign of all Buick cars to sow the seeds of confusion amongst the Chinese population, therefore clearly causing a new communist revolution.

On the other side of the world, scientists are trying to understand why 7-8-9?! We may never know, but 6 is currently deathly afraid.