How are these things selling? No seriously, how did these stupid things sell?

Was it really that easy? Just take an Audi Q7 with an RSQ8 motor, do some “Pimp My Ride” magic, and then slap a $200,000+ price tag on the damn thing? Their scheme must’ve worked given the amount of them roaming the streets of south Florida.

But hey, it’s still a Lamborghini right?! I got to take a real Lamborghini for a spin in my 20s! I should’ve taken my shot when I had the chance. Regrets aside, there’s gotta be something to this SUV?! Right?! Listen closely and make no mistake dear reader, what you’ll find here is the greatest bundle of lies I’ve gotten the displeasure to drive.

Looks are subjective. Whatever. I still think it looks like one of those muscular chimera ass pit-bull mixes taking a constipated shit. I dare you to find me an angle where the styling actually works because I whole heartedly believe you’re more likely to get an answer for turbulence and entropy. The front is amalgamation of anger, lines, and cuts that all seem to lack purpose. It’s everything, all at once, with as much substance-less stying, and heavy handed line work as your money can buy. And don’t get me started on the fake vents and grills.

The side profile looks like a Nissan Juke that got upset. And then gave birth to like a… constipated gremlin creature.

At least from the rear it’s not as bad. Actually, I’d even say that if you look at it dead on from the ass, you’ll find its least offensive features. Emphasis on least offensive versus good.

The overall styling of the car seems like it’s trying way too damn hard to convince me that’s it’s a real Lamborghini. I get that Lamborghinis have always been loud, shouty, angular things. But if you look at their “series production” cars, your eyes aren’t assaulted by a barrage of harsh lines that don’t seem to go anywhere. A Huracan is aggressive, yes, but the designers knew when to stop adding lines to the damn thing and let the surfaces and shape of the car speak for itself.

The Urus is an assault on the eyes and lacks cohesiveness. The car just feels like you took a rounded (and bloated) SUV and just started sharpening all its surfaces. Fuck it, everything is a crease now. There isn’t any restraint here. It’s just AAAAAH *angles* AAAAAAH *aggression*. I AM A REAL LAMBORGHINI!

Here’s the concept for reference. Yes ignore the lord’s photoshop work for a bit. While not perfect, they managed to show a little more restraint here and it paid off. Lines aren’t as harsh, the front isn’t as much of an over styled mess, and the body isn’t a collection of random lines and shapes. But alas, that skin was peeled off and draped over an Audi Q8. Then hit with a chisel. And protein powder. And a compensation problem.

Now, how did this abomination come into my hands?

I got my buns in a Urus because some sleazy-ass mechanic failed to do the work he said he did after signing off on it. So, my dad’s Defender was brought back to ensure the trailer wiring and software had in fact been installed. They gave him the “shop car”, and after having driven it for 5 minutes, he figured a heavily cam’d z28 would make a better impression to clients at work. So da Lamb Truck became my chariot of the Gods for the day.

Right then, I’ve gotta talk about this stupid car.

Looking up the vin also revealed that it was once a flood damaged car from Miami. This post drive realization made a lot of things click regarding its condition, non-operating heated/cooled seats, and sandy rear floor. And would you believe that this fabulous example of Italy’s finest could’ve been yours for $6500 before it went to auction!

There is nothing about this “experience” that screams Lamborghini or makes me feel special. Instead, this angular bloat lord feels like an Audi with a gaudy body kit and a shitty reupholstered interior. All for $225,000 in 2022.

Uh uh.

Right…

And this thing doesn’t posses Porsche build quality. No no, the Urus is Audi build quality at best. Hell it even feels more VW than Audi in a lot of places. What the fuck am I paying for with this again? The badge? The “Lamb Truck Experience”? The clout?

The interior tries its damnedest to make me believe I’m in “da ‘ghini”. Like it really tries its best. With hexagons… just… everywhere. Trim, vents, screens, fuck it even the cup holders are hexagons.

And no I will not be mentioning the radioactive piss-yellow trim, you can’t make me.

The lies continue once you’re inside too. You see that strip of “buttons” between the two displays? It’s a single capacitive touch strip. And that awful metal grate over them? Cheap feeling plastic. And half of the buttons aren’t even optioned in. So it looks doubly as bad. The leather is spongy and feels more like an aftermarket afterthought. The capacitive touch crap feels like it’s out of a Corolla. Most this shit just feels like parts bin sloppy seconds. So while it might be nice to find Audi quality knobs in a VW, at this price point, you better be giving me crap from the Porsche and Bentley buckets. This isn’t the 80’s anymore, nor is this a Lotus Elise made from glue and leftovers. A Lamborghini should make me feel special. And the Urus doesn’t.

It’s almost like this thing was built for someone who’s never sat in an actual luxury vehicle before. No matter how much dyed leather and matte carbon fiber is in here, this car still feels cheap with all its random plastics, shared buttons, and odd build quality issues. There are weird bubbles, folds, and creases in the leather trim. Meanwhile the leather at the base of the windshield has pulled itself back by a few inches.

Oh that engine light? Yeah it was given to me already on. But more it later.

Climate controls and a few other functions (which are also mapped to physical buttons) are given to you on this angled screen. The sun and finger grease mix to not only blind you, but also make it hard to near impossible to read. At least the graphics are nice? And the radio can be controlled by a haphazardly placed audio nipple that looks like to was taken straight from an Audi A3.

The metal on the steering wheel is also plastic by the way. In fact, most of the shiny metal looking stuff is just hard plastic. Go and remember that $225,000 starting price and think really hard about it. At least the carbon fiber in here is real…

Like most recent Lamborghinis, this has a start button under a little red finder guard like I’m firing missiles from my F22 Raptor, a move that I’m sure Lockheed shareholders greatly appreciated. Does a rebadged Audi Q7 with a redecorated Audi RSQ8 engine deserve such theater? It’s debatable, but I can’t tell if I liked it or just felt pandered to.

Anyways, let’s move on to this bullshit. Park is that button to the left of the missile launcher. Reverse is done by moving that center lever forwards. That ‘M’ button on the left doesn’t in fact put you in a better car but instead tells the computers that you’re in control now. It’s just manual shifting. And you will need to get that muscle memory on point quickly in order to locate the button because it’s hard to see when moving. Drive is done by shifting the up shift paddle, because dual clutch an 8 speed auto… Why even bother making me use the paddle if it’s just a regular auto. They could’ve just used then center lever instead to engage drive!

The left lever engages “Ego” mode, named afer the reason you’d buy one of these abominations to begin with. It just lets you set up a customized driving mode. The right one lets you go between Strada (“street”), Sport, Corsa (“race”), and Neve (“snow”). The levers can only be cranked down by the way.

And what do they do? Well in Corsa, you get to look at these graphics, with a big gear number and shift lights! SHIFT LIGHTS! They also adjust steering weight, throttle response, ride stiffness, overall loudness, traction, and probably what the AWD system does.

Now is probably a good the time to talk about the next in a series of continual let downs. Let’s go for a drive…

The steering is weighted nicely, but it doesn’t stand out. It’s standard electric power steering, you don’t really feel the road, it’s numb, and it gets the job done. Same with handling. It’s not a mess, it feels competent (it is still based on very good bones), and the car is mostly stable at speed and through a turn. The Urus can ride a bit rough though in certain modes. And while it handles well, it’s a large SUV, and it’s no Porsche Cayenne (I mean it is, but the Porsche is just better in almost every way).

The transmission was a welcomed highlight. I first thought it was a dual clutch, but upon further research, it was revealed to be a conventional 8 speed automatic (the Lord’s ZF8 in fact). Which surprised the hell out of me, because it shifts very very quick and with DCT-like aggression. The shifts can be punchy, adding a bit more theater to a car that seems to lack it. The paddles looked and felt fine, but not over $200,000 fine.

Power comes from an Audi RSQ8 sourced 4.0L twin turbo v8. It makes 642 HP and 626 ft-lb of torque. Sounds enticing doesn’t it? Wanna see what that beast looks like?

Behold:

Man, what an engine cover. Truly some of Lamborghini’s best work.

And all those numbers should translate to this fat bastard taking off in a 3.6 second run to 60 mph. And you don’t feel it, at least not in this jank ass example. Power feels alright and linear, but lacks any big shove. Which is just not it for a twin turbo v8. I think it was in limp mode or panic mode, because once you start to pass 6000 RPM it cut power hard and flashed warning lights at me with a message telling me it was in limited performance mode. Oh the joys of a janky Italian car.

The exhaust note was fine. A deep, burbly, almost Mercedes AMG-like sound. And it’s all a buncha lies yet again! Because this Lambo has a fucking speaker playing fake exhaust noises. And it’s not subtle either, instantly jumping in volume as you progress through the driving modes. Great. Just what I wanted in my Lamborghini. Engine noise pipped in to “enhance the driving experience”. Fuck off.

Before I wrap up, I think it’s important to talk about driving this… thing… Not how it drives, but more the act of doing so and how you feel.

Because I get the sensation that it wants me to feel baller. But I don’t. I feel pandered to, lied to, and borderline embarrassed to be seen behind the wheel of this abomination. I feel like a rental Pit Bull impersonator on my way to this week’s performance at a bar-mitzvah in Boca Raton Florida.

Just sitting in here, I feel as if an Andrew Tate genie is gonna appear in the back seats and grant me three free abuse cases and bless me with a crypto scam of my own. I don’t feel special. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel better than anyone else. I feel like a poser, a fake person hiding behind the wedgy underbite of an overpriced VW Atlas.

And people look at you with confusion and contempt. They see this hulking ugly mass of a car with a Lamborghini badge and just stare on with disapproving eyes at the uncaring flaunting of wealth inequality right in front of them. I feel like dick behind the wheel and I did’t even cut someone off.

And that’s the a Lamborghini Urus. It’s an overpriced slice of shared platform engineered mediocracy that needs to both strive for better and understand basic quality control. I get that the motor wasn’t giving me its all, but that would just band-aided a flaw, not fix the underlying issue that this car is just not worth the money.

Go buy a Porsche Cayenne GTS or Turbo E-Hybrid instead, and have enough money left over for a Lotus, Cayman, GT350, or M2 through 4.