HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME
My… dearest consumers…
IT BURNS! PLEASE DEAR GOD IT BURNS
It started like any other day, after low balling Miata owners on Facebook marketplace to make up for my own inadequacies, I went for a stroll to clear my mind. That’s when I saw it… the 996 Cabrio.
Parked in a fine establishment (a Red Robin in a nearly abandoned strip mall), the clouds parted as one of the lord’s rays cast its golden light upon perfection.
My heart raced, my diabetes spiked, and oxygen refused to enter my bloodstream.
Is this… love? (I pondered loudly in my mind, where only the voices entertain me) NAY, that is life.
The owner, being but a steward of perfection and a connoisseur of the gourmet burger menu, recognized my lustful gaze. And after the typical bathroom stall pleasantries afforded only to Porsche 911 ‘dot 1’ owners, the keys to destiny were handed over to my oh so deserved hands.
Unworthy was the touch of my buttocks to the leather seat, as the flat six roared to life. This car… this vessel of the divine… has been coaxed into life! Oh how joy excretes from my every orifice! The thunderous roar of that 3.4L heart, barely contained fury forced through the magic of a Mercedes derived 5 speed.
T-I-P-T-R-O-N-I-C
The feeling of ecstasy is now blinding, the car… this Porsche 911 996.1 Cabriolet… it beckons me forward. I display myself before i— my lawyers have advised me against finishing this sentence.
Anyways, long story short, I now have take Doxycycline daily until the infection goes away, and I’m legally not allowed to be within 100 ft of any 996.1 gen Porsche 911. And what those knuckle dragging troglodytes at court don’t UNDERSTAND IS THAT BARRING ME FROM ACCESSING THE 996.1 IS AKIN TO ROBBING GODS LOVE FROM THIS WORLD! YOU BASTARDS! I HATE YOU AL—
Please donate to my go fund me so that I may once and for all get the voices to stop telling me to buy a 996 by giving in to temptation:
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