Soon after revealing their livery, Mercedes has decided that the weight savings has not gone far enough.

“We’ve run countless simulations around our virtual test track, and found that we have yet to notice a significant enough lap time delta after shedding 5 grams off from not having a full livery.”, one engineer stated.

The team has decided to turn their attention towards reducing the amount of mass their drivers carry with them, hoping to see a more noticeable performance gain.

“While we currently can’t drain all the fluid from our drivers, we’ve begun trial runs by shaving them bare and lacing their pre-race meals with laxatives, before sending them out on track and comparing their performance back to the lap time simulations. So far, the results are more positive, with between 1 and 5 kg shed”, said the head of driver training.

The results speak for themselves. Apparently they have found a 0.056s gain after the initial “shave n’ shit” treatment was applied to their drivers. The team has also stated that they are looking at further weight savings by amputating the driver’s arms and legs and replacing them with carbon fiber prosthetics, as well as surgically removing non-essential organs (testicles, extra lung, extra kidney, etc).

When interviewed, the drivers refused to speak, apparently cowering in fear over the question.

Finally, we asked Mercedes’s technical lead if all this obsessive weight reduction is truly worth it, and if there is truly no easier way to gain speed around track, to which we where told: “you simpleton, weight is the only thing the matters, see the light”.