THATS RIGHT YA BUNCHA MINDLESS CONSUMERS! WE’RE BACK AT IT AGAIN!

Another year, another batch of unfortunate cars we’ve driven and written about. Each of them are shit in their own special way, although some are so far down the brown scale it might as well be in Satan’s septic tank. So, as a reward for someone (we’re not sure who), we celebrate the cars we’ve reviewed in 2024!

Sadwood

Oh radwood, the premiere car event for all your 80s and 90s rolling rustbuckets. We had the joy to travel back in time to drive some classic hits. Were they good? Not really. Were they rad? Possibly. Welcome to Sadwood, folks.

The Honda Acty took this one by a country mile, leaving all the others in its metaphorical dust (definitly not physical dust). The quirky goofball of a van drove like an ox cart and had the room of one too. Despite it breaking during our review, it’s as cute as ever while being depressingly slow. In second place, the bane of arthritis himself, a 1994 C4 Corvette. Finally, we get to drive one of these turds that isn’t in a complete state of mechanical atrophy, only to discover that it was as dog shit behind the wheel as it is to work on. Some might say it was a fun car, others will argue I need a lobotomy. Anyways, in 3rd is the 1987 Porsche 944 turbo, a car that looks a lot faster than it feels, and finally, a 1987 Foxbody, who’s high revving v8 took a back seat to the hood the flew up while driving.

I Looked Up “CAR” and This was the Result

We drove a lot of transportation this year. They can’t all be Porsches. So, for those cars whose shape and autotrader listings are on the top of a generic Google search, we turn to you, dear reader. Let’s see what y’all voted for.

In first place, we have the modern bar of soap that is the Volvo S60. A fine car in most metrics that matter, but also not really inspiring. Like, it’s a car that’s perfectly content playing third place to the 3-series it almost is. In second we have the wonderfully odd 2000 Saab 9-3 Convertible, whose description could match the S60’s, but it does have a lot more character, especially with the roof down. And damn did it drive nice. In third we have the Alfa Romeo Gulia ti Q4, an achingly beautiful car with pretty average performance, and finally the Tesla Model Y. I’m surprised that the Model Y didn’t score higher, because it is just a blob of a car, but then again I guess that means giving more un-deserved credit.

Prunes and Dunes

Prunes and dunes is back once again! Here we commemorate the duality of SUV’s and so called “off roaders”. Sure, you have 4WD, however we both know your pruny ass isn’t going nowhere uphill other than the parking lot of the golf course in that G-wag. So, let’s look at the duality of man, for the prunes and to the dunes.

To start with prunes we have the beautifully named Suzuki S-Cross 1.5 Hybrid Comfort+!

What a car, what an utter disappointment. I had no expectations for this thing, and still it was unfortunate on so many levels. Its over styled, way underpowered, and off-roading features (like terrain modes, selectable 4wd, and locking diffs) that you will never use, and a clunky ass hybrid system shoehorned in there to presumably add weight back into this thing. It’s an utterly nothing SUV. I can’t even say it’s for people who “just want a car”, because I think even they would’ve just bought a Tesla and a transit pass with those Norwegian tax credits. So who is it for? I don’t know. Prunes I guess.

And now to the dunes:

What could be a better example of the dune category than a dune buggy? Yes, we had the pleasure to brave the tubular frame that a VW Beetle engine is trapped in. There is no other vehicle on planet earth that encapsulates the “Dunes” category than this VW Sand Rail, so here it is.

Best Nugget

One nugget, two nugget, three nugget four,

Small nugget, big nugget, and so much more,

We once again look, at the cheap and cheery,

We hope you enjoy these examples of literary theory.

Anyways, award time:

With little surprise, the Fiat Panda 1.1 won with over 50% of the votes. Which is fitting because this car is, in-fact, 100% nugget. The rest are nuggety enough, but nothing compares to the good ol Panda! In second, is the super charged ‘03 Mini Cooper S, who despite being over 20 years old was extremely high on the chuckability scale. Plus supercharger, bro. In third, is the very nuggety Opel Karl, and in last, the Nissan Versa. I’m not wasting more characters on the Versa.

NOT A 911!!!!!

We’ve driven a lot of cars this year that aren’t 911s. We’ve also managed to get our hands on several Porsches (somehow) and none of them were the sacred 911. But, purists be damned, take your Rennlist account and uh… please unban me. Anyways:

And the best car that wasn’t a 911 is the Porsche 944 Turbo! It’s honestly pretty good chassis and mechanical feel was met by a pretty uninspiring powertrain. It’s an 80’s turbo Porsche! And it makes no noise and has no kick unless you gun it in 1st. At least the handling and looks make up for it. But what could be less Porsche 911 than a heavy-ish, slow, i4 turbo front engined car? How about second place, taking that combination but adding FWD! Behold: a 2015 VW Golf GTI, I’d say pretty far from a Porsche 911. This one in particular was set up to ruin people’s afternoons at autocrosses and ranks surprisingly high on the chuckability scale. That was followed by a track prepped 2018 Cayman, and finally yet another autocross ready 2000 Porsche Boxster.

Europeeing Motoring

For many reasons, our grubby hands got hold of cars only sold in the great country of Europe. Ah, the class, the refinement, the high-brow motoring experience. The dashing Aston Martin DB9, the immaculate BMW M5 , the passionate Ferrari F12… are cars not representative of the Real European Experience. Behold what citizens of this country actually drive. So, indulge in the best schlock you can buy over there:

In first place is the Opel Karl! A German market version of the Chevy Spark, this reliable little econobox might not have won best nugget, but nonetheless it loyally soldiers on to move the masses. Plus it’s named the Karl. In second place is the VW Touran, essentially a golf with an inflation fetish that bred with an MPV, followed by the mediocre but inoffensive Renault Captur. And finally, the genuinely abysmal and horrendously named Suzuki S-Cross 1.5 Hybrid Comfort+.

The Grey Poopon Award

Oh good heavens, what a deplorable fate hath been handed to these automobiles! To be scrutinized and appraised by these low class new money cave dwelling troglodytes. But alas, to appease the uncouth amongst you, we sit back upon our thrones of mahogany and silk, and let you consumers of automotive smut make known your opinions on automotive luxury.

And this one was uncomfortably close for a while. However, ultimately enough of you fucks came to your senses and the 2004 Bentley Arnage Red Label won. The kind of car who’s interior matches your study, and who’s levels of old money luxury and comfort were almost unnervingly alien to us college aged dipshits. In second place, is the Mercedes Benz E320te. A brown, barely driving, one step above a base 300, crayon smelling, overbearing whale of a car. The wagon bit sold you didn’t it? Come on now, own up to it. We tracked the results and already judged you for your actions. Anyways, it’s a tie for last between the CLS400 and the supercharged Range Rover. So I guess MSIMA readers either prefer a custom spec 04 rich Bentley, or barely running German wagons, and no in between. I expected nothing less, honestly.

Who Let US Drive These!?

Another year of questioning how and why people continue to let us drive fast and expensive cars. Who lets us get away with this? What threats to their family did we send? Don’t worry about, just hope y’all enjoyed reading these as much as we enjoyed driving them! So, who won?

Unsurprisingly, the Mustang GT350 won. With one of the most addicting yet sublime engines, the high revving f l a t p l a n e c r a n k Voodoo V8 paired to a Tremec six speed, and enough well-trimmed track day goodies seems to have been an enticing enough package to most of yall. AND IT BETTER WELL SHOULD BE DAMN IT. Anyways, in second place is a track-prepped 2018 718 Porsche Cayman. What it lacks in a manual and “not a 911”, it makes up for by being unreasonably good to drive. In third and with almost as many votes, comes the Mercedes SL600, a borderline uncontrollable twin turbo v12 fever dream cross-dressing as an old man cruiser. And finally, with like two votes, is the BMW M2. A fine car in its own right but substantially outclassed today.

Contractor Kings and Moving Heavy Things

Welcome to Contractor Kings and Moving Heavy Things, the show where the grit of contractors meets the art of moving the immovable! From EV granola girl tough trucks to abominations of human creation, we’ll take you behind the scenes of the toughest jobs in the industry. We showcase the ingenuity, skill and sheer determination to move the toughest stuff – one heavy lift at a time!

The winner was TECHNICALLY the Honda Acty, but since it already won Sadwood by a mile we’re forcing it down to second place, because no one likes a showoff. Anyways, our winner goes to the Mercino! It may not be the newest, it may not be the largest, but it’s got the most character (eat shit kei van) out of any other load-hauling vehicle here. It’s for the classy contractor, what more could you ask for? Of course, forcibly in second is the apparently beloved Honda Acty. I’m not going to waste more words on it. I know who you are and what you crave. Anyways, in third is the pretty good, fast, and no so job site friendly Rivian R1T, and in last, the creature that is the HHR SS.

The Hell of Burning Oil Award

This award celebrates the shitbox in all of us, but especially two of the most shitboxy shitboxs to ever run their leaky engines on planet earth. Yes, this legendary matchup consists of two fan favorites: The Turtle vs The Donkey Van. Each with their fair share of blown shocks, leaking gaskets, bald tires and much, much more. Which of these beasts of transportation come out on top?

This was the closest result in Mis-Shift history, most likely because both of these deserve a win. However, only one can pull away. First place, by only a few votes, goes to the Subaru Forester! Slowly rusting away, this piece of Subaru boxer goodness eats snow for breakfast and oil for lunch. Yes, with nearly every part of the suspension being snapped in two, it’s only right for the Turtle to take the win. Of course, the Donkey Van is just as equally beloved in our hearts, despite technically losing.

Stock Or Not

Many people out there have an unquenchable desire to leave their unfortunate mark on a car. And, an equal amount of you are lard-arsed opinionalists who would shed a tear knowing that I change my oil without using the OEM branded stuff. So, the choice was up to y’all, for a car or truck we reviewed, do you want it stock or not?

And the winner is a stock, manual 2015 Jeep Wrangler. A fine machine, spacious daily, and competent off-road vehicle the Wrangler can be. When left stock, it is happy to exist in mountainous environments making trips back and forth to the Piggly Wiggly. Instead of the correct choice, from YO BOIS AT APOCALYPSE MANUFACTURING BABY!!! SOUTH FLORIDA’S FINEST COACH BUILDERS, COMING AT YOU WITH A PROTEIN POWDERED FUELED ASSULT ON YO EYES! BOW AND RESPECT MY AUTHORITY.

The Worst Car from 2 Years Ago

Pretty self explanatory. We look back to 2022 to remember the absolute worst car we reviewed. Doing so helps put into perspective just how far we’ve come. So without further a do:

The Jeep Cumpiss won, taking over 75% of all votes in this category. The Jeep Compiss and Jeep Cumpiss are in 2nd and third place, with the Jeep Compass in last. These results are very similar to 2023, where the Jeep Cumpiss was also voted as the worse car form 2022. Interesting data indeed.

The Most Chuckable Car of the Year

And for the final category, we once again come to bestow the honor of most chuckable car of the year. We’ve driven plenty of metal that ranks high of the “chuckability scale”. From prepped autocross hot hatches and BMW M cars to small micro-economy cars and dune buggies. However, of all the frankly good choices, one car set itself apart for being a complete glutton for corner flinging punishment. The kind of driving whose language would get me banned from church grounds. Behold, a car:

Ok, look, that shouldn’t have come as a surprise, especially if you’ve read the article. It’s a “track prepped” 2018 Porsche Cayman driven on track (Rudskogen specifically), it better be fucking phenomenal. And it was. And I can’t stop looking at listings for these stupid cars now. Thank you Porsche, you still have me by the balls.

So why a flat-4 base cayman with a PDK and roll cage? Simple, this entry level Porsche was the most eager glutton for punishment I may have ever driven. And god how it talked to you. It wishers sweet nothings into your ear with superb feedback, and it’s such an easy car to learn and begin to extract performance out of, maybe even easier than that ND Miata that won last year. However that ease of getting to grips with the car doesn’t make it any less rewarding. It just means you have the confidence to absolutely send it through a turn sooner, and can work with the stability control to understand its limits while still feeling your mistakes. Simply, it is very, very well engineered fun. And it was, without a doubt, the most chuckable car of the year.

Thank you all for tuning in again for another end of year award article! Us dipshits are thrilled that y’all keep coming back to not only consume, but to help us make articles like this! Happy new year ya fucks, don’t for get to share this article with your friends to mis-shift into their asses and tune in to consumer the only reliable source of quality automotive journalism like a fly returning to shit for its nourishment!

Anyways, here’s all the data!